The End of Customer Service

This is what the world has come to! Instead of mailing or physically dropping off payments, you make those payments online or over the phone....and talk to automated answering services! I've had my fill of this crap in the last 3 days! Some of you have been following my "Century Link/DirecTV" drama the last few days but this has gotten out of control.

First off, since we live in the middle of no where, it's been nothing but trouble since day one! Where we live is contracted with Qwest (who is not Century Link) to get DirecTV on base. When we first signed up for tv services, we had to go through Qwest...simple right? Nope! We had to call a seperate number to hook up our stuff because otherwise our location doesn't exist...oh, and there is only ONE guy that is allowed to hook up the tv service on base. Anyway, didn't think there would be many problems after that and to tell the truth, there really hasn't been....until recently.

One day, about 2 months ago I called to find out some info about my bill that was incorrect. Our DirecTV bill comes from Qwest...so naturally I call Qwest. They tell me I have to call DirecTV because it's their bill. I call DirecTV and they say I don't have an account....well of course I don't because my account is through Qwest. I call them back and after 45 minutes of the run around I get the answer I'm looking for. The next month I have to call back for the same reason. Again, I call Qwest first. They try the same thing, sending me to DirecTV but I stopped them. Then, suddenly they can't find my account....my address doesn't exist, I don't have an account and the dumb bitch transfers me to set up a new account. Um...you sure can find my account when I owe you money! Eventually, they find my account and fix my issue.

A few days later, the housing community sends out an email saying we now have our own private Qwest number to call for DirecTV issues because so many people have had problems. Glad I'm not the only one but it sure does suck. The following week I called that "private" number to cancel our movie channels. The guy I get is a total idiot, again can't find my account, I don't live where I say I do and asks "how did you get this number" I explain to him where I live and where the number came from and he's totally confused. After almost a hour, he finds my account stuff and cancels my movie channels. Ridiculous! This brings me to the last 3 days.....beat head here!

On Thursday, I go online to pay my bill, to Century Link, just as I normally do except this time, their website keeps erroring out and won't let me in. I'm just about to give up (after 45 minutes) when it finally lets me in! I submit my payment but never get a confirmation or even a "are you sure about this payment" page. I need to know that my payment went through! I get on the online chat and it says there are 24 people ahead of me. I get comfortable and a hour later, I'm finally next in line. Some guy comes on and says "how can I help you" I tell him I need to know if my payment went through, he says just a minute and bam....we're disconnected! Chat goes down. Awesome...so then I call, which I probably should have done in the beginning but I wasn't in a mood to be on hold for a hour on the phone. So I call and low and behold, the automated answering service answers. I'm yelling at it to give me a human, a person, a customer service idiot....and it finally says "ok, I'll transfer you" but shortly comes back saying "I'm sorry, our office is closed at this time" frickin great!

So by now I'm fricking irrate. I just wasted 2+ hours of my time trying to pay my bill and still have no idea if my payment went through! The next day (Friday) I call a few times throughout the day and of course the automated asshole tells me the office is closed but then clearly states "office hours are M-F 8a-6p" ummm....I'm curious what time zone they are referring to because no matter what time of day I called, it was within those hours unless they are referring to India time....hmmmm!

Lets get to today! Rylan and I go shopping for a jacket, a harmless trip out of the house.....until I get to JCPenneys and see there is a Century Link store across the parking lot. My blood starts to boil again and I consider going in there to find out the simple answer if they have my damn money or not! I decide not to go because Rylan is with me and if they tell me they can't help me, there was a chance I was gonna get mean! We get back home and I try to go online again, just to view my bill....can't get on their site. Here we go again!!! I connect to the chat again and it says I'm #3 in line, ok I can deal with this. Soon after, here comes the customer service rep named Simon....Here is our conversation:

Thank you for contacting CenturyLink. My name is Simon S. (20748). How may I help you today?

Simon S. (20748): Hi Rachel, How can i help you today?

Rachel: I hope you can help me! I need to know if the payment I made on 9/8/11 was accepted. I have several issues with the website and the payment never said it went through and I can't get a hold of anyone online or on the phone to find out

Simon S. (20748): May I have your account number please?

Rachel: I only have DirecTV through you guys

Rachel: 719C283635 is the account number on my bill

Simon S. (20748): I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Simon S. (20748): Call the DTV customer service number 1-800-347-3288. I will not be able to look up the DTV information in my system. I do apologize.

Rachel: Ok so let me get this straight? I have to call THEM to find out if my bill reflects a payment I made to YOU?

Rachel: Even though my bill comes from Century Link?

Simon S. (20748): Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Simon S. (20748): This department doesn't have access to the billing infomration for the DTV services. Please call the billing department 1-800-244-1111.

Rachel: When are they open? What days/hours is a person actually available to speak with?

Simon S. (20748): The hours are M-F (8AM-6PM MST). They can make sure if the payment has gone through.

Simon S. (20748): I do apologize for the inconvenience.

Rachel: I have a question.

Rachel: This chat is for Century Link customer service and support, correct?

Simon S. (20748): That is correct. However, we have limited access to the systems, such as DirecTV services. WE can only setup new service orders for DTV but cant access any billing information.

Rachel: Ridiculous explanation for "customer service"!! Thanks for nothing, have a nice day and go screw yourself!

I can't even begin to understand this! DirecTV has NOTHING to do with my billing, yet I'm suppose to call them because the dickheads that actually take my money and send me a bill every month can't access my bill? Um ok! Just for shits and giggles I called DirecTV. I get a girl named Amanda, explained everything and she says "what the hell is wrong with them?" hahaha! My thought exactly! She says she's going to call them and find out what is going on and puts me on hold. I'm on hold for about 10 minutes when I hear the dreadful words "welcome to Qwest, now Century Link" WHAAAATTTT????? That bitch put my on hold and then transferred me to Century Link! Once again, the automated jerk says "our office is now closed"

Why the hell is it so difficult for them to tell me if I have a pending payment on my account? I can't understand why this task is so advanced for them! I have debated on going up to that Century Link store but really, right about now I would punch someone if they said to call the office during business hours! WTF......

The Krazy .......... Lady

Holy crap, it's been a LONG time since I've written something on here! That is SO odd considering something irritates me on a daily basis, guess I got a little too busy with other things to share my annoyances with the world! So what's on my mind today? Read and you shall find out!

Just about everyone has heard about the Extreme Couponing show that has taken over the world, literally! Pretty sure most people have heard about the Krazy Coupon Lady too...she's frickin nuts! Recently, I have taken up couponing....go ahead, laugh it up! My husband would say I've turned into one of the crazy bitches on tv but believe me, I'm far from it! I like to save money, who doesn't? Especially on things you regularly buy...why not save some money doing it? Excuse me for being happy that today I bought 648 baby wipes for $5.97, super deal! In case you can't do the math, that is $0.009 per wipe!! Me saving money on various things is not what has me annoyed though, for more than obvious reasons.

Have you ever gone to the store, whether it be the drug store, Walmart, Target, the grocery store, etc for something and they are all out only to find out they had some insane coupon deal and those wicked crazy bitches cleared the shelves? I will NEVER be one of those people, not even close! They piss me off so bad! Last week, I went into Walgreens for something, it was about 9:30am and the shelves were completely wiped out! I was like WTF?? Come to find out, there are some extreme coupon crazys in that neighborhood and they were there, bright and early cleaning house! Ok, well apparently you guys need that stuff way more than I do if you need to buy 100 tubes of toothpaste at once! (Before my husband says something, yes I do have 5 tubes unopened upstairs)

I can understand stocking up on food that won't go bad for a while, like canned goods and having a little stash of toiletries like toilet paper, body wash, razors, toothpaste, etc but seriously, draw the damn line somewhere! When people need a spare bedroom strictly for their "stash" it's time to bring on an intervention! Even still, cleared shelves and rude crazy bitches in the stores aren't even what I'm irritated about! I belong to an online baby board, I joined it when I was pregnant mainly to kill time and talk to hundreds of other pregnant ladies that were feeling just as miserable as I was. Turns out, I met a small group of fabulous ladies that I should be going to Vegas with in 6 days but nope...that's another vent! Anyway, complete sidebar there...oh well....on this baby board are other groups. Pretty much a group for everything from dealing with in laws to trying to conceive to military spouses to coupons! Out of curiosity and entertainment purposes I joined one of the coupon groups.

I read the posts pretty much everyday. Most of the time I just laugh about people doing stupid shit and being completely ridiculous...again, why do you need 100 tubes of toothpaste and then bitch that the store didn't have enough? Well today I read a post that pretty much inflamed my blogging blood...and here I am now! Apparently, some of these extremely crazy coupon bitches that are clearing shelves are having garage sales, selling the things that they have scored for free or next to nothing by couponing. Excuse me for saying this but instead of spending all of your time plotting your ambush on different stores, writing blogs and keeping up websites to gloat on your savings and stalking the stores to raid the newspapers for more coupons, couldn't you get off your ass, get a job and be a true asset to society??

I was completely shocked to find out that these couponing garage sales are quite common. They literally go from store to store, collecting shit and sell it to make a profit. Example: they go to Walgreens, have coupons to get say a $10 razor for $2, they then turn around and sell these at their garage sales for $4-7 per razor, making a profit of $2-5 per razor and these people are clearing the shelves scoring 30-50 items PER STORE! Is it just me that thinks this is completely wrong? Yes, it's smart money making but seriously, it seems like it should be illegal. Never in my wildest dreams (and I've been having some pretty whacked out ones lately) would I ever imagine doing this. It makes me sick actually. I definitely forsee the coupon world changing drastically in the near future because there is a difference between saving money, being thrifty and second hand stealing from manufactures and stores.

The good 'ol BC!

First and foremost let me say that this is strictly my opinion and not personally geared towards anyone so if you take offense to it, either stop reading or maybe take a look at yourself if you feel that I could be talking about you.

Secondly, I feel like I haven't blogged in FOREVER! Doesn't help that the stupid website has been down for a while for 'maintenence' although it seems like they didn't do crap to it!

So here goes. The good 'ol BC....not before Christ...but birth control! At some point in every persons life, you encounter someone that should honest to God, not reproduce. Working in healthcare, I've had the "advantage" of meeting several of these people but that is neither here nor there. My reason for this blog is that birth control seems to be a seriously overlooked aspect of life! Again, just my opinion!

Birth control is relatively cheap...regardless of if you have insurance or not. Hey now, yes I'm aware that it can cost x amount of dollars every month but lets face it, it's MUCH cheaper than diapers, formula, clothes, daycare, etc! Lets break this down for those that don't understand what I'm talking about....or just can't do math! Condoms: $1-$3 each time, pills, $20-35 per month, IUD $400 for 4 years...that's $100 a year. Now, the average cost of a baby is roughly $12000 for just the FIRST YEAR!!! So birth control is WAY cheaper!!

There have been quite a few people over the years that have said "I just can't afford it" or "my insurance doesn't cover it" or even "I don't want to go to the doctor" but the all time best was fairly recently someone said "it's too much of a pain to go pick it up every 3 months". Why is this irritating? Because A) you're completely lazy for it to be too much trouble to go pick it up, B) You have Tricare insurance so it's completely paid for...what the hell are you complaining about and C) you think picking up prescriptions is a pain in the ass, try pushing out a baby and taking care of it every day for the rest of your life....then you'll really have a pain in the ass!

So why a blog on birth control? Honestly, some people just shouldn't reproduce! Here are my reasonings behind why some people shouldn't (again, just my opinion)! If you're too selfish to think about anyone but yourself, you shouldn't have kids. If you're too lazy to get your ass off the couch and get something to drink, eat, get a Kleenex, etc yourself, you shouldn't have kids! If you can't physically, financially or mentally take care of the kid(s) you already have, you probably should invest in some BC and not have anymore for a while. If you feel the need to physically, mentally, verbally or emotionally abuse your kid(s) you definitely shouldn't have more and you should feel lucky CPS hasn't come and taken away the one(s) you have...and if you are abusing/neglecting them I hope someone kicks your ass! If you are with someone, either married or just in an exclusive relationship and you can't remain faithful to that person, you should not have kids! As a secondary aspect to that, if you have to go on a talk show to have DNA tests on 15 different guys to find a baby daddy, you should have bee sterilized at birth!

Birth control people, try it! It's not just the women I'm talking to...men have a hand in the birth control situation also! The worst thing ever is talking to someone and they say "oh god, I can't believe I'm pregnant, what am I going to do" and when you ask if they were on birth control and they say no, I just want to smack them upside the head! I don't feel a damn bit sorry for you for being irresponsible and getting pregnant. I do feel bad for that child who is going to be brought up in a crappy situation because their parents were idiots! And yes, I'm well aware of the fact that birth control doesn't always work, I know plenty of birth control babies...but at least you were taking precautions to prevent the big "OOPS". Maybe instead of popping ruffies in people's drinks, you should pop a BC pill in there instead!

Awesomeness!

What is awesomeness? 2 words: Ryan Bates! WHO? Ha ha...most of you have no clue who this clown is but I made an agreement and here is my end of the deal. Ryan Bates is a co-worker of Joel's, a good friend of ours and while I think I may have a difficult time trying to explain why he's awesome, he's a genuinely good guy. So why the blog about this guy that most people don't know? Well, if you don't know him, you should....and if you do, then you know why! So why the blog? Last year, Ryan and I were having a conversation about the ridiculous girls he is prone to dating, you know the chicks: dirty whores, lying bitches, scammers at the bar....all around female trash. I told him he should write up a dating criteria and hand it out when he is inclined to date a chick....if she reads it (if she can read) and is still ok with dating him, sweet! If not, then no harm done! Almost a year later, he still hadn't written it. Time has been forgiven since he was in Afghanistan for quite some time trying not to get blown up, which was a task in itself. After my blog last night, we made an agreement: he writes the criteria, I blog about his awesomeness...so here I am! So what makes this guy awesome? Here goes:

1) He's frickin hilarious! Sometimes he has a bit of a strange sense of humor, even dry and shallow at times but nonetheless, frickin hilarious! He could make a pile of dog shit laugh uncontrollably!

2) While Joel was in training before being deployed, he was awesome enough to agree to come to Babies R Us with me to pick up Rylan's crib and carry it up the stairs. Little did either of us know (ok I had an idea) how frickin heavy this bitch of a crib was. But what neither of us knew was that this crib comes in the most ridiculously shaped box, making it impossible for anyone to carry....not to mention it was well over 100 pounds of awkwardness. As he's struggling to even get it in the front door by himself because the box is just a retarded shape, I'm laughing at him with tears in my eyes. Then comes the stairs...16 stairs to be exact and this awesome guy manuevered that damn box up the stairs, swearing and bitching the entire time, all the while I'm dying of laughter because he's about to blow a lung wrestling this box. Let me add that he is no small guy and 100+ pounds is nothing to him....it was the shape of the box, not the weight!

3) Hmmm....sorry Ryan, that's all I got. I kid, I kid! Awesomeness continues because when I was pregnant, he would come over and visit with me while I was excessively pregnant, hot and bitchy but still came over to get raped by our 3 dogs at the time and never complained (to me) about how much I bitched about everything! He also offered to come over and mow the lawn or destroy the overbearing weeds in the backyard....but stubborn me did it myself.

4) He's quiet! Not in the sense of being a timid, shy person...cause that's not it at all. I've lived with my fair share of guys since I've lived in this house...that just seems weird but it's true. Not all of them have been quiet and definitely not all of them have gotten along with me....or shall I say I haven't gotten along with all of them. In fact, someone once said I was a "raging bitch"....but lets face the fact that you were loud as shit, screwing some hoe in my shower, keeping me up all night when I was super pregnant and had to work in the morning....so excuse me for being a bitch but I sure as hell will not apologize for damn near tearing your throat out in the morning. Sorry, I digress a bit. Ryan on the other hand, is quiet! He would be standing somewhere, I would come around the corner and he would scare the shit out of me because I didn't realize he was "lurking" there....although he says he was just standing there in the middle of the room. Whatever! Anyway, he's quiet and respectful.

5) Doesn't really equate to "awesomeness" in my book but I'll throw it out there in case some of my readers are indeed 'interested' in our awesome friend. He has a crotch rocket and a dirt bike....fun toys, with more to come.

So here's the real deal on our friend, Ryan. While it seems like I'm almost pimping him out via my blog, well, I guess I kind of am, he really is a cool guy. I wish I had more single friends (that aren't flakes) that I could hook him up with so he could stop dating the freaks of nature he keeps finding....so there, my end of the agreement is done!

This, That & Everything In Between

Again, it's been a few days since I've blessed everyone with a "Rachel Rant" so here goes! So many things have irritated me lately that it's all built up and now it's time to let it all out.

1) I know I've mentioned this before about the "Facebook Check-In's" but damn seriously people, give it a rest! No one really gives a shit if you are laying in bed at home, at your girlfriend/boyfriends house, sitting at Petsmart....etc. NO ONE CARES! Not to mention, if you have time to update your status or check in place while at your girlfriend/boyfriends house, you must not be having a good enough time...which leads me to my next issue.

2) Why do people ask for relationship advice or opinions on what they should do, fully knowing when the answer is going to be around the table "end it" but then continue on in a toxic relationship or are stupid enough to go back to someone that is deliberately treated them like shit. Yes, you may have a good time with someone on occasion and you may have strong feelings for them but seriously, if it's hazardous (which usually it is if your asking for advice/opinions) get out! Save your time and energy because it's not going to work out in the end! More than likely, they are just dragging you along until something better comes along, or they find a more opportune time to end it with you. Cut your loss!!

3) People that bitch about tv shows on Facebook. Now, everyone has been guilty of once upon a time posting something negative about a tv show....yes, it happens. What I'm talking about is those that bash shows like Jerry Springer, Teen Mom, Maury, etc when you and your life are no better than those you are dogging. Example: People are inclined to bitch about the young moms on Teen Mom because, well they are young and appear to be not so bright. Here is where you look stupid. When you neglect your child, talk on facebook about ignoring your children, talk about partying non-stop instead of being with your kids, are cheating on your spouse or just being a dumbass, you are no better than the people portrayed on those shows and should therefore learn to shut your mouth because you're a bigger piece of shit than they could ever be!

4) Napkins at fast food restaurants. Interesting thing to complain about, huh? Am I the only one that sees an issue with the amount of napkins they give you when you go through a drive thru? Here's the issue: you go through McDonalds or wherever drive thru and order a soda and french fries....they give you 80 napkins as if what you just ordered is going to be all over the place. The next time, you order a Big Mac or some other slimy, drippy burger and they give you one napkin. What the hell is the deal there?

5) Where is the other sock? The question of the century when you get your clothes out of the dryer! There is currently a commercial on tv regarding home insurance and they mention that a high number of fires occur every year from your dryer. I bet you that missing sock is stuck in the dryer vent.....

6) Another repeat post: those god damn family sticker things on the back of vehicles! Last weekend, a friend of mine told me she saw one with people and a pet snake sticker....seriously? I didn't believe her (ok, I kinda did) until I was driving to a patients home today and saw a car that had 1 adult sticker, a couple dogs, a few cats, a lizard, something resembling a rabbit and a frickin snake! Several things wrong with this: you have too many animals, all of which should eat each other! There may be some correlation between why there is only one human sticker on the vehicle...hmmm...pet addiction? And lastly, you're running out of back window space!

That is all for now. I could go on and on for quite a while right now but I'll save some for another day!

How Does This Happen??

It's been a while since I last posted something but since today has just been fan-frickin-tastic, why not end it accordingly with nothing other than a flame broiled rant....and this one may just get under your skin a little!

Aside from everything going horribly wrong in the country/world these days, lets just add one more thing as a cherry on top! Phillip Greaves....a name that meant nothing not too long ago has now made headlines....for what? Read and you shall find out. Last year, he wrote and self-published a book called "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover's Code of Conduct" The name alone should be alarming, correct? Guess not because guess what? This book, that has such a "grab your attention and read me" kind of title was being sold on Amazon. It took thousands and thousands of people commenting, boycotting Amazon and sending letters of disgust before Amazon finally took a look at what they were selling and realized it was inappropriate material. Again, the name of the book should give you a clue of what it's about, correct? This man was not arrested until undercover agents bought and received a copy of the book and realized it really was about what the title says it is. Yes my friends, a written paper hand book on how to be a pedophile!

Now, as disgusting as this may be....it's what happened yesterday that really gets me! First of all, who in the hell would write a book like this? If you google his name, you will see the kind of creep that does! Secondly, who would sell shit like this? Amazon apparently did and while I'm a fan of Amazon, I'm starting to rethink where I spend what little money we have! Lastly, who buys this crap?? Well, according to Phillip Greaves, 238 people bought it....which means aside from the undercover agents, there are 200+ sick mother fuckers out there currently with a copy of this trash! So, what happened yesterday? I'll get to that! This scumbag of human flesh was arrested in December in Colorado for "distributing obscene material" in Florida. He was brought to Florida and tried. He pled NO CONTEST to the charges and was sentenced. You would think this kind of published crap would get some jail time, right? NO! He was sentenced to 2 years probation and ordered to continue mental health counseling. 2 fucking years probation for writing a guide on how to be a pedophile...and obviously the mental health counseling he has been getting isn't worth it's money because this guy is clear off his rocker! Lets face it, in order to write a book about something, especially a how-to book, you need to know how to do it, which means he has or still is a damn pedophile! Instead, he gets probation! I wouldn't write a book about fixing airplanes because I don't know how....I could write a book on tying my shoes though...why? Because I've done it!

What the hell is wrong with this picture?? A guy soliciting third party sex/assault on children gets probation but someone can spend time in prision for something far less?? Is it just me or is this totally backwards? I can't get over the fact that this crap shoot got probation....just had to rant for a minute and share my utter disgust in the judicial system.

Stupid People Shouldn't.....

While there is a list 19 miles long containing things stupid people should not do, we all know the infamous saying "stupid people shouldn't breed" but today I realized something else along those lines. Selfish people shouldn't breed either, and while that sounds like it would pretty self-explanatory, apparently there are people in the world that don't know that A) they are stupid, B) they are selfish or C) they just aren't fit to have children. The problem is, most of these people don't realize it until after they've already had a child and then think "oh shit, now what??" No, I'm not talking about myself here. Yes, I for years had said I never wanted children but now that I have Rylan, someone will have to kill me to get him from me!

Ok, back to the subject at hand. Stupid people shouldn't breed for obvious reasons, they're idiots that don't know their head from their ass and therefore are not sufficient parents because they are morons! Selfish people should not breed because well, they're selfish and nothing (and I mean nothing) will ever change the fact that they think they come first. Unfortunately, that isn't how the world works when you have children; hence why selfish people shouldn't have them. Now, there are those people out there that are a combination of stupid and selfish, which you would think they wouldn't have offspring but crap, they do! This whole thing stemmed from a conversation I had earlier today...which the more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off...the subject, not having the conversation. Anyway, here are some examples of selfish and stupid parents and the things I have witnessed or have heard these parents say:

1) Leaving your child in the car: STUPID! It takes a matter of minutes for a child to die in a car so running in the grocery store, post office, gas station, etc while your child is in the car is just a dumb thing to do. If you can't take 5 seconds to take your child in with you, you don't need to go! Secondly, while you're doing whatever you are doing that you couldn't bring your child with, someone can snatch your kid as fast as a fart in the wind disappears, again...STUPID idea!

2) Letting your child cry/scream because you don't want to get out of bed: SELFISH and STUPID! Let's face it, being a parent (especially a mother) is exhausting. There was a period in time where Rylan slept for 2 hours a day MAX for a month straight. I was beyond exhausted but still had to carry on my duties as a mother. Why? Because it's my job as a parent. Letting your child cry it out while sleep training is one thing, or even just letting them cry so you can walk away and gather your thoughts before you snap off the deep end....but blatently leaving your child in their crib screaming because your ass doesn't want to get out of bed yet is not only selfish but it's neglect! Also, it's stupid because children at a young age need reassurance and parents that are selfish and neglectful are just causing emotional damage to their children.

3) Begging for handouts for diapers/formula, etc. because you spent all of your money on alcohol, junk food, days at the spa, the casino....basically anything not necessary....SELFISH! If babies could take care of themselves or even go buy the things they need, believe me, I would make sure Rylan was doing it, but he can't! Babies and children are relient on others to care for them, which means being responsible and getting them diapers, clothes and food. If you can't feed your child or put clothes on them because you have no money, I REFUSE to feel bad for you when you were on facebook or wherever talking about how you spent the day at the spa the day before or you're at the bar every other night getting hammered. Get your priorities straight for christ sakes! When I worked at a casino years ago, I came across a lady bawling while sitting at a table. I asked her what was wrong, fully expecting she was upset that she lost a ton of money. While I was correct in my assumption, she added to the story by saying "I just lost all of my money and now I don't have enough to put gas in my car to get home and even if I did, I don't have money to pay the babysitter watching my 3 kids" SERIOUSLY?? Pity train has just derailed, sorry!

These are just a few examples, there are plenty more but the bottom line is, if you know someone stupid or selfish, please tell them not to breed....or just buy them a good supply of birth control and hope they take the hint! And for the love of God, if you have done one of the things mentioned above, please seek help. Your children will thank you later when they are still alive and not emotionally scarred for life. And if you know someone that neglects or abuses their child, REPORT THEM! They may get pissed at you but that child deserves SO much more!

Tax Nightmares!

How could I not share my recent experiences with the State of Colorado and the tax nightmare we have come across?? It's almost an epic story! So heres a little back story before I get into the recent uproar of the event!

A while back, we received a letter from the State of Colorado saying that back taxes were owed. Apparently, Joel's whore of an ex wife never filed her Colorado taxes from 2007 and because she filed them with him as the primary taxpayer, he was the contact person for the money owed. Damn near $1000 owed! In the meantime, I filed our 2010 taxes and my Colorado refund was intercepted to pay towards the debt from 2007. Talk about not making me happy but such is life. Come to find out, she majorly jacked up their 2007 taxes, didn't have the correct amounts, filed them incorrectly...blah blah blah so we sent in Joels 2007 tax information saying he was a MN resident and doesn't pay CO taxes. They adjusted the numbers and determined that the debt was only $81 for 2007 taxes.....but yet they kept way more than that with my refund. So this brings me to last week.

I get a letter from CO saying they made an error in keeping my refund and will be reissuing a check minus the $81 owed. On Saturday, I get the check in the mail made out to Joel and his ex wife, because their names were on the 2007 account. Don't think much of it and go to the bank on Monday to deposit it only to be told by the bank that without the ex's signature or her being present, they can't do anything with it. So now I'm pissed! I call the state and of course, it's tax season so I get the automated recordings saying their wait time is 47 minutes or that they are experiencing a high volume of calls and to try back later. I finally get connected to a person who tells me they can't help me and to talk with a person in Tay Payer Services. They give me the phone number and I start over having to call 100 times to get a person. Again, I'm told they can't help me and I need to talk to someone else....this happens 4 frickin times! Aggravated much?? I call AGAIN and get a voicemail saying the person I need to talk to is out of the office....of course you are since I just spent over 2 hours trying to talk to someone! I leave her a message and already anticipate having to go through the phone hell again the next day.

Today, I get a voicemail from this lady telling me "there's nothing we can do. The only thing you can do is have the ex sign the check or it is no good. Sorry" SORRY?? Oh, you'll be sorry alright! Apparently you don't know who you're screwing with here and if you think I'm just letting this go, you're high on bat shit! I call the lady back and she tells me that its a refund from 2007 taxes. I tell her no it's not, its an overpayment into a 2007 account because the state kept MY 2010 refund for the 2007 crap. She tells me "the only thing you can do it send the check to the ex, have her sign it and send it back or physically take the check to her and have her sign it" I explain that 1) we have no idea where this dumb bitch is 2) if we knew where she was we're not stupid enough to send the check to her because we would never see it again and 3) if anyone (whether it be Joel, me or a friend or family member) has to physically see her, it's going to end very badly because she's the last person any of us want to see and she won't make it of the meeting without problems.

The lady then says "well sorry, you're going to have to deal with it" and has the balls to hang up on me! Oh bitch, I will drive up there and knock on your door if I have to. I have your address on the letter you sent me saying I was going to be refunded MY money....try me, please! I call back, she answers the phone like nothing happens and I lose it! Now, I'm aware of the fact that I have to be careful with anything I say because I'm sure the conversation is being recorded and the last thing I need is to go to jail over some stupid tax bitch! I told her she is unprofessional and should go work in a cave because she has no business dealing with people! I also told her I'm sure this time of year she really hates her job but it's not my fault the state screwed up and kept MY money when they shouldn't have!

She gives me the phone number to another lady who "may be able to issue me another check" and tells me to have a nice day and hangs up again. I'll have a nice day when you guys stop screwing up my money, you assholes! I call this new lady and am surprised I don't get the phone run around again....I get her on the phone on the 2nd ring! I explain the entire situation again, like a broken record. Ugh! She tells me she will look into it and call me back. Here we go again! She actually called back within a couple hours though and with much better news than expected. She asks me to send the stupid check with the ex whores name on it back to her and she will reissue another check in my name. She also tells me that this should have never have happened and especially shouldn't be waiting for a refund check for my 2010 taxes that are being held up because dumb whore can't file shit correctly! Thank god...finally someone that sees why I'm so irritated about this situation and someone that can help me! So in the end, I should be getting my money soon in a form I can actually do something with. Stupid taxes....they really will be the death of people in one way or another and damn dirty whores!

Driving Me Crazy

It's no secret that I think my husband could sometimes use a refresher course in driving courtesy. At times, he makes me want to get out and walk instead of spending another minute in a vehicle with him. It's not that he's unsafe, per say but sometimes he just drives me straight to crazy...literally!

Today we drove to Castle Rock, which is a few miles south of Denver, which equates to about a 40 minute drive for us. We pile in the car, I'm in the backseat with Rylan and Jordy (our roommate) is in the passenger seat...oh so peacefully sleeping as a narcoleptic friend would. I'm not a great passenger in the back seat. I have to be able to see where we are going and like my space but I've gotten much better at being a back seat driver than I was a few years ago. No more breakdowns and panic attacks in the back seat!

We're driving along and I notice all these things my husband does while driving that totally makes me nuts! He constantly drives in the left lane! In fact, most of Colorado drivers are in the left lane so there is little traffic in the right lane. Why? I'm not sure but it bothers me! Not only does he drive in the left lane, but whenever a car is actually cruising along in the right lane and passes our car, he will speed up, ride the ass of the car in front of us so the car in the right lane can't "cut him off". He did this several times...to the point where I could barely see the bumper of the car in front of us because he was that close, driving 80 mph! He does this all the time and it totally makes me bonkers!

While driving, he changes the radio station a bazillion times! Now, no one really enjoys listening to commercials on the radio so changing the station at these times is understandable. What I don't get is when you get halfway through a song and decide to change the station, listen to another song for a minute and change it again....continuously changing the station every minute into a song and finally resting on a station that has commercials every 2 songs so the cycle starts over again. Seriously....just pick an effin' station already and let me listen to an entire song!

Now, riding with my husband in his truck is a whole different story! It's a "mans" truck and apparently has different rules on how it is driven...which includes but is not limited to: flooring it at every green light so you can beat the car next to you, reving the engine at every stop light so you can show everyone how loud it is, peeling out in the smallest amount of sand on the road, flooring it in the middle of the highway to race the truck next to you, creeping up the ass of the car in front of you because you have a big truck and they should get off the road, driving through the biggest puddle you can find so you can splash water across the street and soak the people at the bus stop.....etc! There have been times where I have actually told my husband that he is no longer allowed to drive when I'm around because he pisses me off. Ugh! I just don't understand why men do the things they do when they drive.................

Stick your People Elsewhere!

What the hell is the deal with the stickers people put on their vehicle windows to show their family? You know the ones, maybe you even have them on your car, the little people and animals....what gives? They have sparked my curiosity for a while now but today I was stuck behind a car with quite the family according to the stickers. A dad, a mom, 2 boys, 3 girls, 3 dogs and 2 cats....all perfectly aligned across their back window. I can't figure out why people do this!

First of all, do people have nothing better to spend their money on than stupid people and animal stickers to put on your car? Secondly, if you think for one second that having that family attached to your window is going to detour someone from rear-ending you, in hopes that "they won't hit me, I have a family" you are sadly mistaken. If anything, they will hit you even harder....or maybe that's just me. It's like the 'Baby on Board' stickers. As I'm cruising along the highway scoping out people to run off the road, the people with the 'baby on board' stickers are no more safe than anyone else! I would almost rather run you off the road for being an idiot with one of those stickers....same with the family people stickers.

I don't enjoy having to look at the back window of anyones vehicle but it's even worse when they have those damn stickers. Do you think anyone really gives a shit if you have 6 kids, 3 dogs and 15 cats? Thanks for taking the time and spending the money to promote your family on your window but realistically, no one gives a crap! It's almost promoting people to follow you home and steal some pets or a child...or 4 if you have them to spare according to your car. I just don't understand the logic behind the people stickers....someone please fill me in!

Doubt a Bitch: Vehicle Raping Take 2

FINALLY, have my vehicle back in working order! FYI: Dealership can go suck off! I go to pick up my car, expecting a bill for $115 as I signed a thing yesterday saying that is what it would cost to diagnose the problem. Problem being, I was also anticipating a bill for "labor" for them to put my battery back in. I was geared up for an argument and was not going to leave just sucking it up and paying for crap. Much to my surprise, apparently the guy on the phone got the hint that I wasn't taking his bullshit and he couldn't just pull one over on me because my bill says "amount owed $0.00" WOO HOO! Win for the home team!

We decide to go down the street to another auto place to have them run a battery check test and fully expect to have to jump start my vehicle in the parking lot at th dealership since the battery is shot. Nope, surprised again it starts and runs just fine....even the brake lights. Odd! We go to the other place, they run the diagnostic test, which cost $14 in comparison to the $115 the dealership wanted to charge me. Battery sucks! They replace the battery, brand new battery with warranty, do a check test on the alternator and starter and the total cost is $107....much better than the $1200 shit that was thrown out there by the dealership. Now my car is very happy with lots of battery power, working brake lights (again, odd) and no more issues for me...at least not today! I managed to screw over the dealership for $115 of what I should have paid because I agreed to it but my motto is "try to screw me, I will get you" and I did....even if I didn't have to say anything. Note to self: Al Serra Chevy dealership can suck balls.....along with Daniels Long Chevrolet that tried to screw me out of my GAP reimbursement a few months ago! Don't mess with me and my vehicles bitches!!

Vehicle Raping

I haven't had anything interesting happen lately that is blog worthy but this takes the cake for a few days, I would hope! Last week, I was driving down the road when a nice man tells me "your brakes lights aren't working". This happened last year and all was well after the bulbs were replaced, which cost me all of $15 in parts and 5 minutes of my time. I assume it is the same issue again, even though the bulbs are "long-life" so I go buy new bulbs! Apparently, there is a bulb shortage in the Colorado Springs area because I had to go to 5 different stores before finding the ones I needed. Again, $15 in parts and 5 minutes of labor....except this time it didn't solve the problem.

Since Joel was in Florida for training, I wasn't in a hurry to get it looked at because I had his truck to drive. When he comes home, he looks at the fuses and stuff, everything seems fine but now, the damn car won't start. We jump start it, all is good and surprise, the brake lights work! Later that night, I try to start it and ta-da, nothing! Dead as dead can be. We say screw it and bring it to the dealership in case something is seriously wrong with it....well, mistake #1 and lesson learned. Both of us are aware of the fact that the odds conclude it probably needs a new battery, which is nothing to buy a new one and pop it in ourselves but we bring it in anyway just to get it checked out because it's weird that a bad battery would make the brake lights not work but everything else is ok.

I call the dealership today, since they've had my car since yesterday and I haven't heard from them. He tells me "I've called you a few times, left messages and emailed you but haven't heard back from you" come to find out they have my old phone number in their system and god only knows who they've been emailing because it wasn't me! You would think since I've been to the dealership a few times since my phone number has changed, they have called me and the guy even wrote down my phone number yesterday that they would have the right number....guessed wrong. So now I'm annoyed right off the top but can't help but giggle because whoever has my old phone number is annoyed by people calling. By the way, this person has already made it clear they're annoyed by people that have my old number as they are fairly rude when they get calls or texts for me...hahaha!

Then the guy tells me "it needs a new battery, the front axle seals are leaking, your rear brakes need to be replaced, the 3rd brake light that is LED needs replacing and they are expensive and your horn doesn't work" wow buddy...ok lets break this down. First of all, it's $115 just for them to "diagnose" the problem of needing a new battery, with them replacing the battery its $309. Are you high?? Pretty sure I can go buy a new battery and replace it myself for 1/3 of the price. The LED brake light will be $300, another $200+ for the rear brakes to be replaced, I don't remember how much for the seals to be fixed because by now I kind of stopped listening but then I hear "$50 to diagnose why the horn isn't working and then the cost of fixing it plus parts". Is there more than one reason why a horn wouldn't work? It doesn't fucking work....replace it, diagnosis done! So I tell the guy not to do anything and I will call him back, fully aware that Joel can fix all of this crap and save us a TON of money....oh yeah, the end 'estimate' was $1200.

I call the guy back and here is where I get really annoyed! First of all, you're trying to screw me out of money and that's something I don't take lightly. I tell him we'll come pick it up in a little bit, not to fix anything and I'll just put a new battery in myself and deal with the rest. He tells me "well, if you don't put the battery in right it's likely to cause more problems" Thanks for your concern but let me fill you in on something, I'm not a fucking idiot, which could be argued here since I brought my car to you in the first place but secondly, replacing a battery isn't rocket science and just because I'm female doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing! He then proceeds to tell me "well it will take about a hour before your car is ready to be picked up" EXCUSE ME?? There should be no reason why it's not ready right this second because you shouldn't have done anything to it. I ask him "why so long?" Even though we're not going for a few hours, I'm curious in the response! He says "well we took the battery out anticipating that you would have us replace it and we'll have to put the old one back in" I said "and that takes at least a hour to do?" He says "well no but it takes some time and we charge a hour for labor anyway" HOLD THE FUCK ON...stop drop and roll buddy cuz I'm going to breathe fire up your ass in a second! I said "wait a second, you took the battery out not knowing if I wanted you to replace it, you are going to put it back in because you took it out and you plan to charge me for labor for this?" He says "yeah, that's how it works" I said "I don't think so!"

I can HARDLY wait to go pick up my car now....if this douchebag thinks for one second that I'm paying for labor for them to do something they "anticipated" me wanting done, they got me messed up for a dummy! There may be an addendum to this blog later tonight...if I'm not in jail for throat punching someone!

P.S. If you still have my 507 cell phone number, that is not correct. Of course, you can keep this number and use it when you are bored and want to irritate someone because the person that now has this number is rude and could probably use a few prank calls...haha!

Laugh at my expense!

I figure with all the downers going on in the world right now ie: earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, sick babies, sick mommas, passing friends & family members, people could use a little laugh. So since my life has been boring the last few days, well in the sense that nothing exciting has happened while out in public, I would hope to get a little chuckle out of people at my own expense. It's going to be a little lengthy, as there is some background that needs to be layed out to get the full effect!

If you haven't noticed lately, I've been a little under the weather. Let me explain what has transpired over the last few weeks. About a month ago, I started getting a dull headache in the back of my head on the left side, always the same spot, all day, everyday. Sounds fun, right? It wasn't too bad, just more annoying than anything. Well, these dull headaches gradually worsened in intensity and about a week ago, I was sitting on the couch and felt a little lump in the back of my head where this headache always is. I thought "what the hell is that and why are you there?" So naturally, against my better judgement (fully aware of what I was about to read) googled what may cause a lump there and reoccuring headaches in the same spot on the left side. Big surprise, it says 'brain tumor' all over the place (refer to my prior blog "death by google" if you need to know why you should NEVER google medical problems)

The headaches continued to worsen, occasionally sending shooting pains throughout my head, into my eyes, ears, jaw and down my arms. Little freaky I might say. Finally I go to the doctor and here is where my story turns from WTF to 'go ahead and laugh'. The doctor asks me the normal questions: how long, where, when, any warning signs...blah blah blah. Then he asks the question: what does the pain feel like? My first response is "it feels like pain" DUH! Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, right?? So I decide to elaborate a little and give him a sense of what its like. Seeing that he is a HE, he has no idea what child birth feels like so there goes that idea! So I asked him if he's ever had kidney stones...as if he is on trial for any pain he might be having...haha. He says no. Damn, there goes that idea too. Electrocuted? Nope. Tazed? Nope (I've never been tazed either but I'm guessing it may be similar) So crap...how do I explain this pain and what it feels like?

I proceed by telling him it feels like someone has zapped me with a cattle prod in the face. Then he informs me he has never played with a cattle prod....damn you dude, didn't you do anything as a child? So while it really does feel like a cattle prod to the face, one might ask how I would know what that feels like. Well, much to your surprise, I have been zapped with a cattle prod to the face! When I was 14-15, I had a friend that lived in the country and I would spend an excessive amount of time at her house playing in the woods, riding horses, raising sheep for 4-H (yes, I was a massive 4-H dork in my day) and yes, once in a while we got bored or just plain torturous with each other and this is how I know what a cattle prod to the face feels like. Whether it was by accident or on purpose, I may never know the answer but the end result was nothing short of a learning experience and a funny one at that!

Here we are, trying to get the sheep (we had 2, Joey was mine and Rex was hers) back into the pen but they were naturally being little assholes and wanted to run and play. They shared a fenced in area with the horses so the gate was open. Of course, the horses see us fighting with the sheep and decide its a great time to take off running to the front yard just to piss us off even more. Here comes the cattle prod! Now, I must preface by saying these 2 sheep were bought as little babies, raised for show and to be sold at auction at the end of the summer for slaughter...I know, mean, cruel, awful Call PETA if you feel the need but it was 15 years ago! In saying that they were being raised to eventually be butchered, we porked them up quite a bit because you get paid more per pound BUT they couldn't be overweight and nasty or they wouldn't sell. So, low voltage on the prod didn't face them, it was more like getting a shock when you touch something metal...yes we tried it on our hand to make sure it wasn't electocuting them....which now makes a ton of sense because if it were electocuting them, it would have electrocuted me...duh!

Anyway, there are 4 settings on this prod. Low, Medium, High, Super, which we now refer to as the "move your ass" setting! Low does nothing. Medium makes them look at us like we're crazy. High...ah ha, high. We got a jump outta ya little bastards but still not moving! MOVE YOUR ASS SHEEP! Super setting it is. Here's what happens: she has the prod, zaps Rex and he moves his ass like no sheep ever has. He high tails it into the pen. She zaps Joey and he takes off running towards the pen but looks at us like "come and get me" so we try to trap him so he goes IN the pen but he doesn't. So, she zaps him again. In a split second, he jumps up, hits her arm, the prod swings towards me with no time to move and her damn finger still on the trigger, it hits me in the face. At the same time, he runs into her legs making her hands contract, finger hits trigger, prod on my face ZAAAAPPPPPPP.....holy shit! I don't know if I felt like I was having a heart attack, had terrorets syndrome or if that is what it feels like when you get hit by lightening. I fall to the ground, in shock not injured except I have 4 little 'burn' marks on my face where I was zapped. She thinks I'm dead, the damn sheep still isn't in his frickin pen and the horses are now on the other side of the fence staring at us, almost laughing at what just happened. I get up, proving I wasn't dead and of course I'm pissed because I was just prodded in the face with the 'move your ass' voltage and it didn't move my ass--it dropped my ass, and here this damn sheep still isn't in his pen. I go chasing after him screaming like a sailor, he comes running at me like we're having a duel. I stop, he stops and then it happens. He looks at me, turns his head and walks into the pen. Apparently he just wanted a good laugh before retiring back to his home. Damn sheep! I got $246 off that little bastard at the auction too! So yes, I know what it feels like to be zapped in the face by a cattle prod and unfortunately, this occipital nerve inflammation causes pain VERY similar to it! Note to self: stay away from the 'move your ass' mode!!

People

People are stupid and annoy me....that is all!

P.S. This is just a generalized statement and not directed towards any one person but if at any point you feel like I'm talking about you....if the shoe fits, wear it :)

Death By Google

As any person with common sense would know, never trust what you read when you google something. Anything can be posted to the internet, real or fictious information, which is especially important to keep in mind when searching for info concerning medical issues. A good amount of the information is the "could-be's" not the "does-have" and while it may help to single out a suspected diagnosis, the info you obtain from the internet should be taken with a grain of salt because self diagnosing via google is a one way ticket to freak-yourself-out-ville!

My reason for the blog? Because I just ate my own beliefs and google searched something pertaining to myself. First of all, I have common sense and should know better than to even attempt to read the crap I find on the topic but secondly, I'm a healthcare worker and as most healthcare workers know, we always put our health last because we are too busy taking care of other people. My point being, I should have just turned off google and called to make a doctors appointment instead because now I'm wondering "well what if google is right?" Even though the odds of it happening are slim to none...but you never know, right? Now before you all freak out, I'm not dying...well I don't think so anyway, google seems to think otherwise...haha, bad joke, I know! If anything is going to kill me, it's going to be Google and its damn search results which I should have just avoided in the first place, but curiosity always kills the cat! Point of the day is: don't always believe what you read or especially what you see on tv!

Just Another Day At Walmart

Everyone knows that Walmart seems to bring together all the people of the world that are a bit 'off' in a sense of looks, personality, integrity and over-all fit in the category of "shouldn't be allowed in public". If you haven't checked out the Walmart website, I suggest you do if  for nothing more than a good laugh. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ It seems everytime I go to Walmart, I have a new experience, which somedays I think is nearly impossible to top the last. The Walmart closest to our house is nothing short of being classified as the collect all of white trash, which makes me wonder why I don't drive a few miles out of my way to go to a Walmart of higher "scale". To give you an idea of what we endure at this Walmart, the day before Rylan was born my camera broke. In a panic, I go to Walmart around 9pm in need of a new camera. Here I am, 10 days overdue with this child that refuses to come out so my patience for people are very thin to begin with but I didn't expect a trip to the parking lot of Walmart would lighten my mood. As I'm walking into the store, out come 2 grown men, roughly age 40 wearing pirate outfits. Wooden leg shoes, swords, eye patches and a stuffed parrot on their shoulders....are you serious? If you remember, Rylan was born in July so it was NOT a Halloween costume. As I'm approaching the door, I hear another guy ask them about their attire only to hear the response "we're pirates, got a problem with that?" Touche' my friends!

This brings me to today. I take Rylan grocery shopping with me, just a short visit so I don't anticipate anything too incredibly odd happening. How wrong could I be? I am standing in the cereal aisle, eyeing the fruit snacks and granola bars when an older lady (70-ish) walks by pushing her cart. This poor lady is experiencing some of the worst walking farts I've ever heard in my life...and holy crap, the smell that followed her was something I can't put into words. So here we are standing in the aisle, fart bag walking by and another lady & man with their cart behind her...poor unsuspecting victims. As she passes me, she tells her man friend "geez, that lady should change her baby's diaper". While I appreciate the fact that you are looking out for the welfare of my child, please be aware of the fact that never in his life has he ever smelled even close to remotely as bad as the fart bag does. Seeing that we were the only people in the aisle, there was no other baby she could have been referring to. Instead of saying something, which I normally do because I have no censor on my mouth, I carry about my shopping. When we get into the next aisle, it's the same scenario...same people, same farting except old lady and other couple are on the other end of the aisle but still in ear shot.

The couple passes the fart bag and quickly rushes to the center of the aisle where I hear them gasping for air, which is no surprise as they have been following the fart bag for a good 100 feet and probably need new lungs now but then it's said! Man says "holy shit, that lady needs some Beano" lady says "I feel bad I blamed the baby in the other aisle" HA HA HA! Take that people! I appreciate that you mistakenly blamed my poor child for being the stinky kid in Walmart but now I find it hilarious that you were stuck behind the gas train and got to endure the toxic fumes!

Why Don't You Answer?

This has pissed me off for a while but today it's become even more of a problem! Yes, I have a cell phone and yes it's the only way to contact me, this meaning we do not have a house phone....thank god! Problem is, I don't keep my phone at my side 24/7 and I sure as hell don't answer it every time it rings. I have a child, an 8 month old child that hmmmm, lets see, can't feed, dress, change himself. Some days he even has an issue entertaining himself, which leaves me to play with him. Not that I mind, its actually quite entertaining. Here is the issue for today. My phone rings, sometimes I hear it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have a screaming or loud child that no one wants to hear through the phone so I don't answer. Sometimes I'm upstairs putting him to sleep while my phone is downstairs ringing. Sometimes I'm driving. Let's not forget the fact that I work. In fact, I have 2 jobs and it's extremely unprofessional to answer the phone while at a clients home. The only way I answer it is if it's a co-worker calling, usually with some pertinent information that I need. Here is my point: don't call me and leave a message saying "why aren't you answering?" or "call me back now" First of all, there is a reason I'm not answering. I'm either busy or I just don't feel like answering the damn phone, so be it! And call me back now?? Seriously, now is never an option or I would have answered the phone in the first place when you called. Upon this annoyance, there is NO need to call me every 15 minutes expecting me to answer. If anything, it's going to piss me off and I won't call you back at all. Some people feel its necessary to answer their phone every time it rings, or immediately answer text messages regardless of what they are doing....I'm not one of them! Furthermore, it is completely rude to answer your phone or text while out somewhere, whether it be dinner with someone, in the movie theater or in the checkout line at the grocery store! Moral of the story is, thank you for calling me but if I don't answer, I apologize that 99% of the time, I'm busy doing something.

Reality of Military

Something was stated recently that really ruffled my feathers and although most of my readers have no idea what it's like to be a military family, I'm sure the concensus will be that what was said is messed up, regardless of any circumstances! A wife of a military person is pregnant and recently found out the guy will be deploying a few months before the baby is due. Crappy situation, yes! Been there, done that! Yes, I have sympathy for them both because I have personally been in this situation but here is where my sympathy runs out! Wife posts a status on facebook bashing the military, saying something to the effect of "fuck the military" and "don't join, it's not worth it" and even says "hubbys boss told him too bad, he signed up to do a job and there are support groups for his wife". This then turns into a comment free-for-all of family and friends, some having sympathy that she will be alone and he will miss the birth, some saying it sucks but lots of wives have done it before and a good majority of them saying "the military is mean and out to get them" and "there is no way someone should miss the birth of their child" While I agree that no one should miss a birth, it happens more often than not in the military because lets face reality, they signed up to do a job, one of which requires them to be gone at times and fact of the matter is, we are all aware of this BEFORE we get married!

This particular wife starts getting a little heat from other military wives and members, for bashing the military, not for being pregnant and her husband deploying. This turns into a "my hormones, my hormones are making me say these things...blah blah blah" Screw your hormones! Have some control over what you say and do! While I still feel somewhat sympathetic for the situation, I can't help but get really mad that some people have this vision that the military life is nothing but unicorns and rainbows. Wake up!! Most of the time, it's anything but glorious! They miss birthdays, holidays, family get-togethers, births of their children, milestone events such as walking, talking, going to school for the first time. WHY? Because they have a job to do that requires them to be away for long periods of time. Being deployed is not the only reason they miss these events. They have trainings they must attend that can be anywhere from a few days to a few weeks/months. They also work long hours. The military is rarely a bankers hour kind of job. My husband works 14 hour days, which leaves little time for family time when he gets home because exhaustion kicks in.

Here is where my sympathy for this woman ceases. She not only bashes the military and her husbands job on facebook and in comments, but then proceeds to attack other wives by sending messages and comments saying they have NO idea what she is going through. She continues by saying she supports her husbands career choice but thinks the military should have more compassion when it comes to families. It's the fucking military you dumb bitch, not a daycare center. As a lot of friends and family members post comments to her status about "I'll come to help you" or "I'll be there when the baby is born" these comments keep pouring in and soon its evident that the birth of her child will be welcomed by TONS of people, yes again it sucks that the father will not be present but she will not be doing it alone. After all this blatent sympathy pouring on her and willingness to help her, she has the balls to say "I just don't feel like I have any support" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Cuz I just read everything people were saying and if by no support you mean "I have so many people that want to be with me while my husband is gone" then yes, you have no support but what I think you meant to say was "I feel like I have no support because the other wives aren't agreeing with me and feeding into my poor-poor me aspect of life" I call BULLSHIT! Fact of the matter is, there are 1000's of women that give birth without someone around, take care of children by themselves, are left alone for months on end while their significant other is off fighting for our freedom. So because your pregnant and your MILITARY spouse has to deploy, everyone should drop what they are doing because you're the first person to go through this? I DON'T THINK SO! In fact, I told her that she should be thankful he's not Army and deploying for a year at a time....it can always be worse!

Joel missed the birth of Rylan because he was deployed, doing his job! In reality, I hope he is present for the birth of his next child (no, one is not coming soon) but there is always the chance that he will be gone, doing his job! It's life and we deal with it....it's not ideal but it happens.......it's not fun but we make it work.....and there is no use whining, crying and bashing the military because all it does is make you look stupid!

Shoes Taking Over

Why do shoes take over the house? Generally speaking, women have more shoes than men...usually. Let's face it, they are the easiet accessory to buy, at least for me. Buy a new outfit, need matching shoes. Get a new job, need new shoes. Shoes on sale, need new shoes. It's an addiction for some people. Not gonna lie, myself, I have easily 50 pairs of shoes, probably closer to 75 but who's counting. And do I wear them all? Hell no! Some of them still have tags on them or have never been worn just because the opportunity has never surfaced to wear them, but I still have to have them. Someday I will wear them! OR there are the shoes that were super cute or really cheap that were worn once and holy hell, they kill your feet and you will never wear them again but still can't get rid of them. My point being, shoes are great, until they take over your house. The majority of my shoes are in a thing under the bed or in a rubbermaid tote in the closet. They are not strewn about the house or our bedroom. This is not the case downstairs.

Right inside our front door we have an old bookshelf that instead of throwing away, has become the collect all for shoes and misc items that have no place in the house or just never make it to their place. Between this shelf and the floor inside the door lies 28 (no joke) 28 pairs of shoes! 6 of these pairs of shoes belong to me...the rest....proud owners would be husband and roommate. Now, men want to make fun of women for having so many shoes but serious, there are 22 pairs of shoes inside our front door that belong to men! Now tell me, why do guys need this many shoes? Especially when these 2 men in particular spend 14 hours a day, several days a week in the same pair of boots for work? There are also shoes in the living room, in the bathroom, in the closets...all belonging to these two guys. We literally have a shoe bananza going on in our house! So I know why women need so many shoes, its not a matter of want, it is actually a NEED to match outfits but guys, outside of being metrosexual or otherwise could generally care less about matching. Most of the time, we're just lucky for them to have pants on! So why do men need so many shoes??

Freeloaders

Why do people feel the need to freeload off other people? As adults, part of life is paying bills and being responsible...shock to some, I know! Once you no longer live in your parents house or if you do and you are still an adult, you should know that it is common practice to support yourself. Whether it be doing your own laundry, paying rent, cooking your own food, paying bills, etc, every adult should feel some kind of self-responsibility to take care of themselves. Freeloaders are those that take advantage of others or do nothing themselves. It can be someone that lives somewhere and doesn't pay rent or bills. It can be someone that goes to the bar to scope out some "sucker" to buy them drinks all night. It can even be someone that expects someone else to do their laundry, cooking and cleaning for them. The question is why? Why do people feel it is ok to freeload off others? I've always been pretty responsible when it comes to money, paying bills, etc so maybe its just common sense for me (again, reference blog #1 if you need to know what common sense is) or maybe it has become that more relevant because we have a child to care for now.

FYI to people who don't have kids: they are not cheap!! Just the basic necessaities of life for a baby, formula, food, diapers and clothes are sometimes enough to put people into the poor house. Babies are frickin expensive. Trying to pay bills, pay off debt, afford a child and still save money for a future for Rylan is ridiculous! Sorry, detour on my original subject. My point being, I wouldn't ever expect someone else to foot my bills for me, or buy my drinks at a bar (even though I never go to a bar anymore) or anything like that. Peoples first priority should be taking care of things they NEED: housing, water, electricity, heat, food, etc and not worry about things they WANT. If you go to a bar without any money, don't expect to come home with a good buzz. You would never go to a restaurant and expect to eat for free. You shouldn't expect other people to take care of your crap for you. Pay your bills, buy your own shit and be an adult!

To Pee or Not to Pee

It's been a few days since my last post and I've been trying to think of something that has annoyed me recently. I think it's a good thing that nothing has really disturbed me lately....right? So as I sit here trying to think of something that irritates me, the only thing that comes to mind right now is a conversation that came up today and even though it doesn't irritate me, my curiosity is up about this topic. Do men have it easier when it comes to going to the bathroom? What I mean is, girls "usually" have more etiquette when it comes to taking a pee. I say "usually" because some girls have no qualms about when or where they will pee.

This topic came about today when I decided I might want to be a guy for the simple fact that I can whip it out and virtually pee anywhere, without having to worry about several things. Is the seat clean? Is there toiler paper? Is a bug/animal/bush going to get my butt as I'm squatting somewhere? Guys have it easy! While driving, they can just pee in a bottle if need be, gross but it's been done! Girls can't do it...well, I suppose they could but I personally wouldn't try it. Guys can water the lawn, a parking lot, a tree or the bumper of a car...but I recommend 'putting it away' before turning around facing the headlights of a vehicle where an unsuspecting female is sitting. So my question is, do guys really have it easier when it comes to peeing?

4 Feet Too Many

After I made dinner tonight, my husband did something that has routinely got on my nerves since I can remember, which in turn sparked the topic of tonights blog. Thanks! He has, dare I say "selective memory" and what seems to be a short term memory problem when it comes to certain things. Tonight, he proved my thinking again!

He got up, got a soda out of the fridge, poured the soda in a cup...all the while holding the can in his hand, yet where do I find it? On the counter instead of in the garbage can! When I ask him why it's soo hard to walk the 4 feet to the garbage can to throw out his trash, his response, as classic as it may be is "I forgot". Tell me how the hell you forget to throw it out when you are physically holding it the whole time?? This is a frequent occurance in our home. Everytime he opens a new jug of milk, I know I will find the little yellow plastic thingy laying on the counter. Everytime he opens a new container of juice, I know I will find the little white plastic thingy laying on the counter. Why is this so hard? Apparently, there is correlation between the soda can, milk and juice containers and the toilet paper! More times than I care to count, I have found myself in the bathroom without toilet paper, having to wipe with Kleenex. Good thing I'm smart enough to put the Kleenex 'in reach' in the bathroom, but this happens in all 3 of our bathrooms on a regular basis. Again I ask, why is it so damn difficult to walk the 4 feet to get another roll of toilet paper when you use the last of it?

This gets me thinking. Am I so anal retentive to ask that a grown man pick up after himself or that I want a roll of toilet paper when I need to pee? Do I need to move the garbage on top of the counter so it's closer to throw things out? No, because this will not change the problem. Then I'll just have a dirty counter full of garbage with a garbage can sitting in the way. I'm not sure how to fix the garbage problem but I think hiding the toilet paper and leaving just a few squares in each bathroom might get his attention when he's up shit's creek (literally).

Damn Birds and the Sunday Paper

I never used to care much about the newspaper being delivered daily until I started scoping the Sunday paper for coupons! Turns out, if you take 5 minutes out of your Sunday to check out the coupons, you can actually save quite a bit of money. Quite a while back, like 2 years ago, our old roommate ordered the daily local newspaper. It was delievered every day and most days just accummulated in the driveway because no one ever cared that we were getting it. After a few days, we would throw them all out until I started collecting the Sunday paper. I'm not sure if the roommate felt bad for the newspaper kid peddling the papers or what but he decided one day to order it, paid for it in advance and never once even opened the paper.

Worked for me once I realized how useful the Sunday paper could be! Last week, something changed. There was no paper delivered on Sunday. I wondered if they had forgot to deliver it or if someone decided to steal our paper. Then it occurred to me, Oh No the subscription ended!! No more free paper for me. Crap, now what was I going to do? No paper all week didn't seem to bother me until today, Sunday again and no damn paper laying in the driveway. But today was a different feeling than last week. While I'm outside feeling sorry for the newspaper that wasn't delivered, I have a weird, creepy feeling that someone or something is watching me, stalking me, waiting for me to make a move. I look around and see nothing but the feeling does not disappear. It's quiet outside, as it should be at 8am on a Sunday morning. No people outside but still a lurking feeling that something was watching me.

I turned around to come back in the house and continued to have that feeling so I stopped, looked around for a second and then I see it! The birds...the birds are stalking me! They are hiding in the trees, in the grass, in the bushes, on the neighbors roof....watching me! I couldn't help but stare at them for a minute, wondering if I was going to be their breakfast from the way they were watching me but then figured birds are harmless and more afraid of people than we are of them, after all, they are tiny birds!

Wrong, oh how wrong could I have been! At some point in time, I must have looked at one wrong. They start chirping mean chirps to each other and are on the move. The are flying around the driveway, dive bombing me, all the while screaming at me in their little bird voices. That was it, I was about to become bird food in the driveway! As I creep towards the door, not daring to turn my back on them they come at me. Now they are dive bombing me and on the ground walking/running/hoping towards me....holy crap! I don't dare open the door or they might come chasing me into the house, what the hell do I do? I'm talking to them, hoping my neighbors aren't outside or they might think I've lost my mind completely, but on the other hand hoping someone is watching in case I start to get attacked by the little feathered stalkers. Finally, a break in wings and I can make a run for it! A car drives by, loud enough vehicle to get the attention of the birds to change their view from "breakfast" to making sure they aren't going to get run over and in that split second, I have enough time to get my butt in the house without any followers and still having my eyeballs intact!

While I'm still a little upset that we are no longer receiving the Sunday Paper, I will feel much safer driving to the store to buy one instead of fending off the aviation attack in the front yard!

Depths of Responsibility

Responsibility is an important part of being an adult and just life in general. It seems like there is a black and white side to responsibility, no gray area involved. Either you have it or you don't. Responsibility can be anything ranging from having chores to complete as a child, doing homework, getting good grades, finding a job and keeping it, financial responsibilities such as saving money, paying bills, not spending money frivolously unless of course you are fortunate enough to win the lottery, having the ability to cook a simple meal, do laundry and clean up after yourself or just simply knowing what you should or shouldn't do.

Some people have good knowledge of responsibility, while others don't understand the concept of the word. To me, responsibility is a learned behavior. If a child grows up having everything handed to them, people always doing everything for them and someone there to always clean up their messes, that child is more likely to lack responsibility because they have the learned behavior that they don't need to do things on their own.

I grew up in a home that had a motto "god bless the child that gets their own" which also encompassed the idea of "cleaning up after yourself". There were times where I despised my childhood for the fact that some of my friends had better toys that I had or name brand clothes, none of which defines a person but as a child, you don't understand that. With having rules, boundaries and forms of self responsibility set in place, I was able to grow up as a person that is able to take care of myself and know what it is like to live as a responsible adult. I have encountered people who, as adults have no idea how to operate a washing machine because their parents always did their laundry. People who know nothing about finances because whenever they didn't have money, their parents "paid them off". People who have no common sense (see previous blog on common sense) when it comes to supporting themselves because everything was handed to them or bought for them. I've also come across people that have children that maybe should have thought twice about reproducing because they have no concept of responsibility when it comes to children. News flash, small children are VERY dependent on their parents for the obvious fact that they can't do things for themselves, ex: babies can't get their own food, change their own diapers, can't walk to get something they want across the room which leaves us, as parents to do it for them.....parental responsibility.

Now, I'm not saying that every person that grew up with parents doing everything for them is lacking responsibility and I'm also not saying that every child growing up to "fend for themselves" are going to be the most responsible people in the world. What I am saying is there are so many people out there that have no grasp on reality to even realize when they are being irresponsible. Open your eyes people! Going to a fast food restaurant everyday, wondering why you're gaining weight and then blaming the fast food chains....personal irresponsibility. Seeing money in your bank account, spending it and overdrawing your account because you "forgot" about an outstanding transaction....financial irresponsibility. Leaving your child sitting in a poopy diaper for a while because you don't want to change it....parental irresponsibility. There is irresponsibility that lurks around every corner, be careful...it bites without warning!

Vehicle Accessory Nightmares

As I'm driving home from work this morning, todays blog topic came relatively easy for me. I was sitting at a stoplight, thinking about what I was going to eat for breakfast when a Dodge Durango pulls up next to me. Instantly, I'm drawn to looking at it but not because I'm in awe over how "pretty" the vehicle is, but disgusted and thankful that I hadn't just eaten or I would have barfed all over the place.

Here sits a silver Durango with blue pin stripes down the side. Not the "attractive" looking stripes, but 4 hand-wide stripes in a zig-zag pattern down the side of his vehicle. The Durango sat up high, as naturally the guy has a lift kit on it to try and make his mid-size SUV a monster truck. The windows were tinted but with purple-ish reflective tint, you know the kind of crap you see when you look at a pair of 1980 sunglasses. The tires are set out so half of the tire is past where the side of the vehicle is, and here's the high point of the tires, they have GOLD spinners! I find myself eyeing his vehicle as if I just witnessed a train wreck, mouth open a little with a dazed look on my face. Must have caught his eye because he rolls his window down, gives me a nod and cracks a smile. Now I'm not focused on the car anymore....yikes! Please let the light turn green now!! This guy was a cross between Marilyn Manson and Bill Clinton, except missing all but like 3 teeth. Pretty sure he managed to kill what was left of the ozone layer with all the Aquanet he layered on his head to get his hair to stand up like Pauly D on Jersey Shore.

As if this atrocious eye sore isn't enough, the light turns green, THANK GOD, and I get to focus back on the vehicle. He floors it, peel out failed! His exhaust...oh boy where to start? It's a gold tip exhaust that sounds like a crotch rocket. Nothing like a "souped-up" Durango sounding like an egg beater! The best part of all of this is the license plate. Now, what would a top-dog G with a pimp ride have for personalized plates? You guessed it: "IGTLAYD". Are you serious? First things first, it could stand for "I Get Laid" which is highly unlikely considering this punk is as attractive as Freddy Kruger. It could also stand for "I Got Laid" which is still a long shot but hey, he's gotta brag about something right? Last but not least, it could also stand for "I'm Gross To Ladies, Ask Your Dog" which is much more plausible seeing that I would put money on either of my dogs peeing on him, instead of licking him!! Epic fail for the day!

Laugh Your Butt Off

Everyone has at one time said "I laughed so hard my stomach hurt", where something is so funny, you have tears in your eyes, you clench your stomach and can barely breathe. Is this a bad thing? Absolutely not! Laughing is better for your health than one might think. It increases Oxygen to you blood (which is odd since you feel like you can't breathe), it releases Endorphins aka "happy" brain chemicals, it reduces muscle tension and you can lose your butt, literally! Laughing burns calories!! Talk about an easy diet plan! Laughing burns 10-40 calories per day when you laugh 15 minutes a day. Doesn't seem like a lot, right? But hey, you're burning calories for having fun and not doing much....who can beat that? Here's the best thing. Although 10-40 calories doesn't seem like it would really make a difference, in a years time of burning those calories daily, you can lose about 4 pounds a year just by laughing for 15 minutes a day. That is 40 pounds in 10 years for all of you that don't have calculators handy! So now you have some information that will allow you to sit on your butt, laugh for a few minutes and burn some calories! Wait, even better!! You can read this blog everyday, laugh at it and I will be endorsing your new diet plan!! Fees are negotiable :)

Old Blog Archives

While searching my blog archives for something a friend of mine reminded me of, I found this one. Another Oldie but Goodie. Although, it's not nearly as great as the one I couldn't find...sorry Amber, no "Couch Gun"...sad!

 I'm sure there are plenty more things out there that just drive me bonkers but here's the starting roster:

~ People with no common sense. Anyone can be book smart but if you don't have a tiny bit of street brains, you're as good as dead and therefore, shouldn't be allowed in public.

~ Spam! Who in the world enjoys eating something slimy, jello-ized and made of God knows what that comes out of a rectangular can? It's like eating a giant box of fat!

~ Light up deer! Those things are taking over the Christmas world…in cahoots with the blow up Snow globes! Light up deer are annoying. It was bad enough when they were just standing in one place. Now they move, they come standing in different positions, some with red noses…families of deer taking over yards across America. Although, on an upside of this, it is pretty funny when you're driving down the road and see 2 lighted deer positioned so it looks like they are mating!

~ People the say they are going to call and never do. Understandable that things come up but for the love of Christ, don't do it repeatedly! Once, maybe even twice is excusable but any more than that is listed in the "do not call again" list!

~ Bad drivers! This subject could go up in flames! Changing lanes without signaling. Turning without signaling. Driving down the road for 15 miles with your blinker on. Speeding up in the exit lane and cutting someone off. Driving the speed limit in the fast lane. Riding the brakes for no apparent reason. Creeping forward at a stop light will not make it turn green any quicker! The list could go on forever!

~ People that talk on their cell phones in the most inappropriate places. No one in the grocery store or gas station check out line, the bank or especially the doctors office cares about what you ate for dinner last night while on a horrible blind date!

~ Clove cigarettes—fuckin' nasty! Have some consideration for the rest of the world that can endure the smell of regular cigarettes but don't feel the need to be blasted by a hazy cloud of smoke that smells worse than ass! Nothing about those are attractive!

~ Telemarketers! Another subject deemed straight to hell. Those bastards not only call 100 times a day, but they have their friends call too. The best ones are when you answer and they put you on hold for "a very important message"!! Lick my ass! Don't call me and put me on hold. I don't give a flying saucer what the hell you're selling, promoting, campaigning for or giving away! I don't want any so stop calling!!

~ Ah! The lovely pop-up ads. They never cease to fire up at any given moment, no matter how many pop-up blockers and spam busters you have. And now they have gotten tricky! The "close" button moves on some of them and are trickier than Rubic's cube to get off the screen! Again, I don't want any of what you're offering so get the hell off my screen!

~ Toilet paper that goes the wrong way. Not only is it a pain in the ass (not literally) for it to come from underneath, it's been proven to waste more toilet paper. Think of those poor trees…over the top is the only way to go J

~ Public transportation: ex: bus, taxi, light rail. ICK! Talk about a breeding bonanza for germs! You could run those bitches through an autoclave and God knows what would still be crawling around.

~ Liars! People that lie, manipulate or deceive others should all be shot! There is no excuse for it!

~ The taste of the glue on envelopes. Its so gross it makes you lick the envelope so fast to get away from the nasty taste resulting in a papercut in the worse possible place on your tongue. Sorry honey—no tongue action tonight—I was injured while mailing the phone bill.

~ Shaving. Just another way to injure yourself terribly while rushing because it just sucks that much!

~ Daylight savings time—why? Do people really care that the day appears longer/shorter because you adjusted your clock? Arizona is deemed brilliant in this because they don't play by those rules! Unfortunately for the rest of us, how many hours they are ahead/behind us depends on the rest of the country!

~ Flavored water enriched with vitamins! Are you kidding me? Sure it tastes good but why not spend your money on a gallon of orange juice and know for sure you are really getting what you paid for—and more!

~ The stupid seatbelt demonstrations on airplanes. Anyone that has ever been anywhere in the damn world knows how to operate a fucking seatbelt. It's not like they are child proof, or even the slightest bit tricky to figure out.

~ Controversial talk about the flavor of semen. Yes, it's true that certain foods can make it taste better or worse but c'mon…if you don't like the taste of it, don't put it in your mouth!

~Shopping for toothpaste. Who knew that oral hygiene could be such a rat race? Lets start by the different types. Do we want gel? Paste? A pump container? A tube? Whitening? Cavity Protection? Tartar Control? Sensitive teeth formula? 12 Hour protection? With breath strips? Sparkly or not? Then there are the flavors! Mint, orange, vanilla, cinnamon, spearmint, vanilla mint, cinnamint, bubble gum. So many decisions and yet a simple frickin answer to the mayhem! Brush your teeth regularly and you don't have to worry about problems!

~ Fat people in spandex! Do they not realize that spandex doesn't do good things for anyone…especially when the kankles and camel toes are in full view? There should be a warning label on that shit: Objects in spandex will appear more defined and larger than life!

~ PeOpLe ThAt wRiTE LiKe tHiS---what's the point? You're still saying the same stupid shit as before but writing like that has just proven a few things: 1) you have too much time on your hands. 2) You're an idiot and just made it very obvious. 3) Attempting to disguise the fact that you can't spell didn't work!

~ "Baby on Board" window stickers! I was thinking "Geez, good thing for that sticker. I was going to hit you but I guess I'll find someone else now"

~ Door to door evangelizing. We know you exist. Hell, we even know where you're located! Nobody needs the day to day reminder that your flock shack is there! If I were interested—I'd come to you!

~ People that name their children without a thought process. Allowing your child to walk around with the name Mike Hunt, Dick Hertz or Hugh Jass is requesting that someone beat the shit out of you! You might as well give your kid a helmet as soon as they are born cause they're gonna need it!

~ Automated phone systems! You usually called because of a problem in the first place—not to talk to a stupid machine that progresses you towards a stroke as you scream "I just want a human" 100 times!

~ The phrase "you want your cake and eat it to" Damn right!! What fun is cake if you can't eat it? What am I suppose to do….stare at it?

~ Getting pulled over and being asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I'm sure I am well aware of the fact that I was doing something illegal but at this point—admitting to it isn't a good option. Do you know why you pulled me over? If not, I'm not going to list a reason why you should have!

~ Burger King commercials. It's hard to distinguish which is worse! A creepy king with a giant plastic head that seems to appear in the strangest places all the time or the Big Huckin' Chicken! There aren't enough words to reiterate the fact that both those advertising attempts have made me hate Burger King!!

~ Road Construction: or the lack of it where it's deemed necessary. Why pave the same highway 5 times in 10 years but not fix all the damn potholes everywhere? It's a conspiracy between the city workers and the auto body/mechanics of the world!

~ White Castle! BARF!! If you want diarrhea for a few days either

A)    Surround yourself with 100's of people that have the flu

B)    Take a weeks worth of laxatives at one sitting

C)    Engage in some hardcore drinking of the cheapest beer, wine and liquor ever made!

 

  For God sakes, don't eat White Castle and expect your bowels to be regular!

~ Flavored condoms! Why? Why? Why? No matter what flavor they claim to be they still taste like disgusting rubber!

~ Campbells Soup Cans: now made with the "easy" to open top. My ass! What was wrong with the can opener? Isn't that why they were made? And this easy opening approach was not a thought out process. The lid gets stuck in the middle of opening it, forcing you to yank and pull until it comes flying off, soup goes everywhere, now you're pissed off and not hungry! Not to mention, the hazard that comes along with flinging very sharp metal tops around, near your fingers! I've almost lost a finger from these stupid thing!

~ Those stupid little subscription cards in massive amounts in magazines! I think one, maybe even two are acceptable but 15? C'mon…everyone knows how to subscribe to a magazine if they want to. We don't need those dumb cards floating around our house for months!

~ The fact that anytime you go anywhere or call anywhere, they ask what language you want. Did we forget that this is the USA and the primary language has always been English (which may be negotiable now). You live here, you should speak the god damn language!

~ MN drivers on the first snow fall day of the season! I've lived in MN nearly my whole life so this may be obvious to me. Pretty sure even the people that live in Tahiti know that every year it snows in the North. Don't act like you've never seen the shit before or that since last year you magically forgot how to drive in it!