We've all heard of road rage and probably at some point in time have engaged in it. Not our proudest moments, especially when you find yourself yelling explicits at some other person in a car with all windows up, only to realize you have little people with big ears in the backseat. Oops! Anyway, I have decided that cart rage is a cousin, uncle or maybe even the step brother of road rage, only worse!
Why is cart rage worse you ask? Well, you're not contained in a vehicle with things separating your mouth from the more than deserving jack wagon you're projecting your verbal assault at. And if that isn't bad enough, you can actually hit the people with the cart and not inflict severe damage upon them, just enough to make them drop an F bomb and realize yes, yes you were just rammed by a cart....usually for their own stupidity. Take todays experiences for example.
Every military member and dependent knows that you do NOT go shopping at the commissary or exchange on or the day after payday. Payday happens the same times every month and yet it seems no matter how you planned not to go to one of these psychotic madhouse places on these particular days, there you are, driving around for a parking place in Timbuktu, complaining about why it's so busy. Then, as you pull into your parking place 6 miles from the entrance, it hits you! Damn it, it's payday!! You quickly ponder whether you REALLY need to enter, usually I decide it's not worth it but today I truly needed milk and bread, as well as flushable wipes that Jacksons room just decided on Friday that they need for him STAT. Ugh!
For those that have never been affiliated with the military, here is a mental image of what I'm talking about. Imagine walking into Walmart on Food Stamp distribution day and they are having a Buy One chili cheese dog, Get 2 free kind of sale.....still wanna go?? Oh, and as an added bonus, this particular Walmart is the ONLY place open within a 100 mile radius. Getting in the car now???
So, here I am complaining in the parking lot because damn it, why must I go the day after payday....and it's a Sunday....and it's the only thing open in the whole area....and it's the busiest day of the week because everyone signs on the locals to get their "BX fix". Ugh!! Get out of the car, grab a cart out of the parking lot because well, it's easier containing my 2 maniacs in a cart sooner than later and also I already know there are no carts left inside the building. Crusade through the parking lot, dodging get hit by every Tom, Dick and Harry driving Nascar through the parking lot, even though the speed limit is 8km/hr....or roughly 5mph for all you metric system rejects. Yes, I'm one too cuz I just had to convert that shit on my phone :)
Roll up to the entry way and here are 3 people having social hour IN the doorway. Yes, I could have rolled through the other door but come on, that's like 10 feet to the left and driving these German carts is no joke....it should be an Olympic sport. So, me, along with a couple other people waited for them to move, saying excuse me and nothing....so I hit them with my cart! Why the hell are you going to stand in a doorway anyway? Seriously, one of my biggest pet peeves EVER! Well, you would have thought I killed their cat the way they looked at me but oh well, again, why stand in a doorway!
Get like 4 feet in the door and heres social hour #2 taking place with new people. Of course it's not their fault that I'm annoyed I'm even there to begin with or that social hour #1 just pissed me off but people, you are standing right in the middle of where everyone walks....so I might have hit them too. The great part about this is when it's done, you can blame it one the retarded carts we have to drive here or people just assume that is what happened but either way Rachel-2, socializers-0.
I'm trying to get through this place as fast as possible since I really only needed one thing to begin with but figured since I was there, I would get a few other things because honestly, who really wants to go back there any other time? Not me! So I'm cruising down the aisle, 2 guys are walking in front of me (fully aware that I'm behind them) and they STOP...just a dead stop. Usually I would try my hardest to stop to avoid hitting people but again, the carts are crazy and my give a damn has clearly broke today so, I hit them! Probably going to be the last time they decide to stop in front of a cart!
Finally onto the commissary, the place that can only be described as THE WORST PLACE EVER! The meat sucks, the produce is awful and half dead, everything has been frozen at least twice in its lifetime and yes, you do have to check expiration dates on EVERYTHING because a lot of stuff will expire in 2 days after you purchase it. So why bother? Well, because shopping on the economy isn't much better (except the meat is fresh and the produce is awesome) and let me tell you, these Germans get cart rage too!
So here you are, trying to get through the zoo and maze of crying, screaming kids laying on the floor with their half eaten donut now stuck to your shoe. Yep, it's real! Oh and this is after you have to hunt down a cart in the parking lot because there isn't one to be found anywhere....all the while dragging 2 kids on a scavenger hunt and praying the cart you find has 4 half rotating wheels attached to it! This is the store where you judge what you're going to buy based on how many people are in the aisle as you pass. 4+ people, you don't need anything that bad because cart rage is engaged and more people are bound to come down the aisle before you can make your escape. We literally went down 4 aisles today, just enough to grab the basic necessities and get the hell out of there....and then you realize, I still have to endure the checkout.
The checkout line is a never-ending, soul sucking pit and if you can make it out without wanting to throat punch someone, you're amazing and need a medal! If you go through the normal checkout, the baggers pack your groceries, they bring it to your car and you tip them. Well, don't have any cash so scratch that idea. And most of the baggers are snobby, entitled a-holes anyway. I don't have that much in my cart and I'm capable of bagging my shit and toting it out myself so....self-checkout it is! The ID checker is a bump on a log that might stroke out if she showed any form of enjoying her job or life....geez, soul sucking! She points me to the smallest of small checkouts....where I then realize, not only do I have 16 gallons of heavy liquids but apparently I grabbed a bunch of random stuff....$84 of random stuff to be exact and here I am, directed to the 15 items or less line (not my fault).
I am checking out and shockingly enough, running out of room to put my stuff, as all of my bags are overflowing at this point and here comes cart rage. Some walrus looking thing rams her cart into mine and says "hurry up, its the express checkout line". First off, I'm shocked because she just rammed her cart into mine that has my child sitting IN it, along with my other child standing next to it. Secondly, shocked because I did not deliberately pick this "express" lane as she put it (express my ass in this place) I was told to go here because it was the next open lane. Oddly enough, I didn't say anything to her, probably out of fear that I would have attacked her!
I leave and hear her mumbling under her breath, no doubt about the express line....pretty sure she had more 15 bags of chips in her cart, along with her bags of chocolate. I put my groceries in the car, put the boys in and let them get buckled as I'm returning the cart....and her comes Walrus! I enter the cart corral as she is coming up behind me with her cart....it was like a slingshot as I shoved my cart SO hard into the one in front of it, sending it flying backwards into her cart....into her....oops hehehehehe! Let's just say she wasn't complaining about the express lane anymore :) Cart Rage....it's real!
