As I started my day this morning at 3:30am by the sound of an obnoxious beeping sound, I didn't think I was going to get schooled in life lessons by a 3 year old all day long. For those that may have missed my story this morning, as previously stated, I woke up this morning to a beeping sound and after laying in bed trying to wake up long enough to figure out what it was, I realized the lights were on downstairs. I come down to find Rylan dressed in pajamas, sunglasses and cowboy boots watching the lights flash as the car alarm goes off on Joel's truck in the driveway. Perfect! I have no idea how long he was awake or what else he was up to during his middle of the night rendezvous. Now i must hide all the keys to everything i can find so i will never find them again! Great way to start the day but man did it get better once we got home this evening. Here are the things I learned within 30 minutes of being home!
1) the hand soap and lotion that have been resting on the sink for months do not belong there. Their appropriate home is now on the toilet seat, acting as a balancing game and god forbid you move them. That is we're they live now!
2) do not, I repeat do NOT go into the garage to get a pizza out of the freezer without bringing your keys or you will find yourself locked out of the house, pleading with a 3 year old to please open the door only to realize he is no longer on the other side of the door. Shit! Great time for him to figure out how to work the deadbolts on the door, right? Thank god I had just let the dogs outside and the back door was unlocked. Ugh! Now let's hope the doorknob cover things I have on the doors actually keep him in the house!
3) I really hope those door knob things work or I'm screwed cuz right after I get back in the house, mr Houdini figures out how to work the doorknob to the pantry, which now means instead of writing this I should be relocating all the food to a place hanging from the ceiling! Oh, and the stool he uses to wash his hands in the bathroom now belongs in the pantry so he can reach everything and don't even think about moving that either....it can't possibly be in the same room with the hand soap and lotion where it belongs.
4) spinach and mushroom pizza is only good with ketchup poured all over it. And not just his, nope....you're pizza has to be covered in it too and no matter how awful it tastes you have to eat it and don't worry, if there's not enough ketchup Rylan will share his so your pizza has enough. And by the way, in case you were wondering, it does not taste good!
5) who thought toilets were made to go to the bathroom in? Not Rylan anymore. Now peeing in the bathtub is the new cool thing to do. I thought the other day was a random fluke when he did it but nope, it's a full time job now and it's even more fabulous if you can pee across the tub and hit the wall or aim towards the toys your brother plays with in the tub. I can only imagine where I'm going to find poop in the near future!
6) last but not least, as if I haven't learned enough today I have managed to learn a new word. Many of you may be surprised to know that Rylan doesn't get his funny, naughty language from me but this should prove that. The dogs were outside barking and Rylan yells "shut up ass bug" what the hell is an ass bug and where the crap did he come up with that name? Now, I kind of like the name but seriously, I've never called anyone anything close to that!
So now I must go toddler proof my house and figure out how to keep him contained in the house without having to worry he's wandering in the street at 2am waiting for a coyote to snatch him up.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Just When You Think It's All Been Done Before
Well hell, most days I consider myself lucky if I get to take a shower. Today I got “blessed” with being able to take two. As well as Rylan taking a bath and a shower and Jackson taking 2 baths. How you ask? Well, I shall get to that in a moment. I must preface my story with the fact that I have been diligently working on not swearing around my kids, namely Rylan who acts as a parrot and repeats every god awful thing he ever hears. For example, we can rarely take a car ride without him calling someone a ‘stupid broad’ thanks to my husband.
I must warn you, what you are about to read is going to be graphic, explicit and might very well make you vomit on yourself, but hey, better your own body fluids on you than someone elses, right? I started my day being overly excited about the fact that Jackson took a massive poop and for the first time ever, it all remained in the diaper. I found myself actually looking at it and saying out loud “how did that stay in there” but decided not to question him since he has an overwhelming capability of defying gravity when it comes to poop.
Insert my shower #1, the nice relaxing kind you get to take when both kids decide to nap at the same time but you need to hurry before they wake up because taking a shower with screaming kids is just awesome. Next on our agenda, going to Lowe’s for the 400th time this weekend because paint matching has become a severe deficit of mine. Naturally, we are pulling in the parking lot and some dumbass does something incredibly stupid making me yell out “you jackass” and of course the parrot in the backseat oh so sweetly repeats what I said….100 times! We make it in and out of Lowes without him inadvertently calling someone in the store his new favorite phrase.
Onward to Gymboree for a birthday party but of course “jackass” from the backseat is ringing out loudly. Again, we make it in and out without him showing off his new word of choice. Before we leave, I ask Rylan 15 times if he needs to potty before we go, the answer is always no but he always has to go. This time I guess I believed him for whatever reason so we get loaded into the car, out of the parking lot and suddenly “jackass” turns into “I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to poop. I need to go NOW” well I if he only had to pee I could have easily pulled over and had him shake it off on the side of the road but now he threw poop into the mix. Great! Well, he has a pull up on (just in case he was having too much fun playing at Gymboree and didn’t want to potty) but he is against the idea of just going in it.
Attempting to race home but that’s impossible because of course some dumb broad jackass has to be in front of me too busy talking on her phone instead of driving. We make it home, without incident and all is well in the potty world. Eat dinner, relax (as much as you can with 2 kids) and yay, its time for bed! Oh but wait, Rylan now decides that we’re home he wants to drop a log in his underwear, thanks kid! Off the bathtub we all go. I’ve gotten smart now finally and have the boys take their baths together, although I’m sure Jackson is real thrilled about Rylan having to pee in the tub every time before he will sit down and take a bath.
Baths done, it’s smooth sailing now, right? Hahahaha, right! Here’s where the total WTF moment transpires. Here’s the scenario, Rylan is sitting on the couch to my right drinking his milk. Jackson is laying on my left arm (facing my right side) drinking his bottle, one dog is laying at my feet to the right side and the other dog, kill me for saying this, was actually smart and was laying in the other room. Jackson drinks his bottle as he normally does when bam, he spits up a little, which is odd for him. Rylan and I both look at him and BAM…he projectile shoots his milk all over both of us, I mean head to toe, in the face down to the toes, which also managed to get all over the couch and dog. WTF! Now, when you have one kid, there isn’t much that can gross you out. When you are a nurse, not much can gross you out. I happen to be a nurse with 2 kids and 2 dogs and I still don’t know how I didn’t toss my dinner all over the floor!
Here I sit, Jackson, Rylan, the dog and I all covered in milk/vomit. Where to start? First thing I want to do is peel my skin off my body because dude, seriously you just barfed ALL over me. Rylan starts screaming because he’s covered in barf. Jackson starts screaming because he’s covered in barf and probably wondering where the hell all of his milk just went. The dog is now standing in the middle of the floor looking at me like WTF. And here I sit, 2 barf covered kids, myself covered in it and my eyes burning because yes, it’s in my eyes! AHHHHHHHH!
Off to the bath, again! Now Rylan spent so much time having a total freak out attack, all the while asking Jackson “baby, why you barf on me?” and calling him a jackass, that I decided to get Jackson taken care of and hosed off first. Bath #2 for him done, new pajamas and off to bed he goes. Now its Rylan’s turn. Instead of plopping him in the tub again I figure ah hell, lets just kill 2 birds with one stone and get in the shower because clearly, my ass is NOT going to bed like this! So here we are, in the shower about to get out when Rylan says “mom, I have to pee” so he starts peeing in the shower and lets out this horrendous fart. You know the kind where you better wipe afterwards. So I’m looking at him with WTF and he says “oh no” and before I have a second to even think about what could happen, he shits on my foot. All out, seriously took a shit on my foot! So now I have barf in my ears and shit on my foot, what the hell did I do to deserve this?
I know, a lot of you are probably thinking its no big deal because we were in the shower but really think about how you might feel if someone shit on your foot after someone else threw up in your mouth! Even after a shower and seriously scrubbing every part of my body that was covered in bodily fluids not belonging to me, I can still smell vomit and kind of want to puke thinking about the poop on my foot. Just when you think you’ve seen it all and had it all happen to you…..have another kid, you will see more than you ever bargained for!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Maintenance Bust!
As I suspected, my escapade with the maintenance group around here has inspired another blog...along with yet another overwhelming presence of WTF blessed by none other than Walmart. Go figure! However, for the first time ever, I did manage to get probably the only cart in America at Walmart that didn't drive itself to Timbuktu but everything else about that place was a total "holy shit, turn and run" moment. Which reminds me, I have a fabulous little blurb about Timbuktu! I know, I digress a bit. I'll get to Walmart and Timbuktu later.
So dear old maintenance, well more so it was housing and the retards that are employed to work in their office. Anyway, last Friday we come home after work (well after 5pm) to find a lovely note attached to our door that says they will be coming Monday morning to do an inspection on our house and to "please contain your dog". No explanation as to why they are coming to inspect or even what the hell they are looking for. Naturally, we clean the house (as much as you can with dogs and kids) and wonder why they are coming. I assumed it was to check out potential damages since they seem to think a while back that we were moving because Joel got orders to Korea. Totally put a stop to the thinking behind that one!
Monday rolls around, Lola is locked in the laundry room, or "contained" as they so politely put it in their stupid ass notice and we don't think anymore about it. That is until we get home Monday night to yet another lovely notice saying "sorry we missed you. (my ass you're sorry) we were unable to complete the open service request on your residence due to your dog is in the laundry room and I can't get to the garage" Please call to reschedule. Are you frickin kidding me?? You mean to tell me you have a key to my front door and my back door but not a key to the god damn garage cuz there are 3 door going to the garage and 2 of them are from the outside. Give me a damn break!
Tuesday morning I call the nifty little number they provided me with on their notice to reschedule and wouldn't you know it, they tell me the guy came and had to leave because my dog was in the laundry room. Well no shit sherlock, that's why I'm calling. So I ask what this inspection is all about and supposedly its a yearly inspection to make sure everything is working properly, like faucets aren't leaking, lights aren't broken, etc. Well don't you think I would have called you to fix it if shit was broken? Anyway, I tell the lady I'm calling to reschedule and she tells me I have to call the housing office for that. I'm like "umm, your number is on the notice to call to reschedule" super cluster fuck but apparently they give you the wrong number to call so these people can give you the right number to call, or so they lead you to believe. I call the number she gives me and low and behold, its a god damn fax machine! Seriously? These people could screw up a wet dream! By now I'm overly irritated, imagine that! So I call Joel and tell him to deal with it and also tell him to have them come Friday when I'm off work so I can "contain the dog"
I get home from work that night and yay, they are coming Friday morning between 9a-12p. Sweet, cuz I have a lot of crap to do that doesn't consist of sitting in the house all day. So this brings me to today...Friday! I'm anxiously awaiting these retards to come and do their thing so I can go run errands and be productive. By 11:30am I'm getting annoyed because they haven't come yet. I text Joel telling him they haven't come so he says he will stop by their office and find out what the hell is going on. A few minutes later, he is at home. He stopped by the office and the dumb broad working there tells him the guy already came to our house but no one was home. I flipped out! Here I've been sitting on my ass all morning waiting for these douchebags to come and she says they already did....unless he just drove by my house and didn't stop I'm totally calling BULLSHIT! So I call over there. Naturally they don't answer the phone, because they never do....oh, and they never call you back but I left a nice (not really) message telling her to call me back ASAP because this dude was never here, I've been sitting here all damn day and I need to know when he's coming because I have shit to do.
Oddly enough, about a half hour there goes my doorbell...then the dog starts barking out of control...hmm, guess someone finally showed up to our house! So there stands this poor, innocent little guy that starts off the conversation with "hello ma'am, I was sent here to do your annual inspection" and of course this unleashes the beast in me where I respond with "it's about fucking time, I've been here all day waiting for you" his response is "I'm so sorry, I got here as soon as I could" I then asked him if he or anyone else had come by earlier because the housing retard said they did...of course he hadn't. He was at our house on Monday but not today before this time. I told him the housing bitch said he would be here between 9a-12p, where his response is he was told to come in the PM and even went as far as showing me his paper with our name, address and it stating "resident requests PM appointment" but yet they told my husband they would come in the AM. I tell the guy I'm glad he came when he did because if I had to wait until 4pm, I probably would have gone complete psycho on people! So now I'm ever more annoyed because not only did housing get this all jacked up once again, now I have to apologize to this poor guy who I just tore off his ass for something that wasn't his fault. PS this inspection took all of 4 minutes....long enough to change 2 batteries in the smoke detectors and change out the fire extinguisher, none of which are in the laundry room or the god damn garage he couldn't get into before. Ugh!
This poor guy is apologizing for housings errors and asks if there is anything else he can do to make this better. So why not, I tell him about the phone number screw up on the notice he left on Monday and filled him on that fiasco with the phones and fax machine. He tells me he's going to go to the office and let the housing lady know she screwed up cuz apparently she does it all the time and he gets yelled at for everything because of course, housing never calls you back and he's the poor dude that has to face all these pissed off people. Ugh....anyway, everything has been maintained I guess and that shit is over with so now I can finally leave the house. To Walmart I go............
I'm sure your eyes are tired and you're sick of reading by now but bear with me, it'll be worth it, I promise! Oh dear Walmart, you never cease to amaze me and I'm pretty sure I say that every time I go there and have something to write about. I went there totally innocent (ok, not so much) but I left corrupted to beat hell! After getting some things I needed, I had to go down the Easter aisles cuz well, Easter is coming up and its another scandolous holiday to get you to buy more crap that you don't need even though Easter has nothing to do chocolate bunnies and shit stuffed plastic eggs. So there I am standing in the candy aisle trying to determine what I want my child to rot his teeth with and I get distracted by these super cute little stuffed animals. Suddenly it hits me. This god awful, rotten ass smell that brought tears to my eyes and made my throat close because it didn't want me breathing in that toxic shit. I looked around and there was one other lady in the aisle with me but she was probably 8 feet from me. WTF is that smell? I'm not kidding, I live with 3 boys and 2 dogs that all smell like death at least once daily and their stenchs had nothing on this god forsaken smell in Walmart.
It was probably only 10-15 seconds but it seemed like a lifetime! As I'm literally gasping for air and can't see I'm thinking "holy shit, someone just set off tear gas" or something equally as potent. And just as soon as the smell came, it went away. Recovery period took a little while but I managed to regain my composure! So I grab one of those little stuffed animals that had stopped me before I exited the aisle of death. As soon as I pick it up, there is that god damn smell again. I honest to God smelled the stuffed animal thinking it was coming from them...but nope! I threw the animal in my cart, that I still thank God it was able to drive in a straight line because I high-tailed it out of that aisle quicker than a ninja. Just as I'm rounding the corner to another aisle I hear it.....the sweet little lady that was in the aisle with me rounds the opposite corner and tells her daughter "oh, I shouldn't have ate those beans and peppers for lunch. I can't stop farting" LADY! WTF, you almost killed me in the candy aisle. Candy is suppose to be yummy and sweet, not covering in your shit and smelling like a dead animal. This bitch was just tearing it up in the aisle and didn't give a crap (or maybe she did give a crap in her pants) seriously lady, you need to go wipe cuz that shit almost took me out!
I figure it's time to get out of there because if she keeps it up someone is bound to start throwing candles at her or something. I head to the checkout lane. Just when you thought my story couldn't get any better?? You are SO wrong! There is one lady ahead of me and I'm not paying much attention until I hear "hi, I'm Alexis" in the deepest man voice humanly possible. I look up and see no men standing anywhere within earshot. WTF! The lady in front of me leaves so I'm waiting for the cashier lady to ring up my stuff, which included stanky ass candy that should have been free after all the crap I went through to get it" and again I hear "hi, I'm Alexis" in that horrible deep voice. Then I realize, its the cashier talking to me so I look up and sure enough the nametag says Alexis but that manly voice came stocked with a pretty strawberry blond wig about shoulder length with cute bangs, boobs bigger than mine and a beautiful 5 o'clock shadow at 2pm. Holy mother of Jesus! Now let me throw it out there that I could really care less if men want to be women, women want to be men, men want to be with men, etc...I don't give a crap, it's not my life. Clearly this person was in the middle of their change to another life and it just took me by surprise....and then Alexis rang up Rylan's new underwear I bought him and says "oh I love Mickey Mouse, he's my favorite! And all those kids that love him too, I just love those kids" What the hell did you just say?? Is it just me or did that totally sound super freakin creepy and not because a semi female looking person with a beard said it in a deep man voice?? I had nothing to say back....speechless, for one of the few times in my life! Holy crap, I have to stop going to Walmart! But hey, at least I got the cart that drives well, which brings me back to Timbuktu! Oh man, I swear I'll be done after this story.
So my mom used to be one of the greatest joke tellers ever and even though I had heard most of them 6 million times, they were still pretty awesome. So as I started writing this blog and mentioned Timbuktu, it totally reminded me of a joke she used to tell all the time so now I have to share it. If nothing in this blog has made you laugh thus far, I'm sorry I suck but this will make you laugh and if not, you suck!
A Polock and a high ranking Scholar are competing for a Harvard scholarship and to determine the winner they are given a task to come up with a poem on the spot ending in the word "Timbuktu"
The Scholar goes first and reads:
"Across the blazing desert sand
Rode an Arabian Caravan.
One by one and two by two
Destination Timbuktu"
Not too bad! Up stands the Polock and states
"Tim and I, a hunting we went
Found 3 whores in a tent.
Them being 3 and us being 2
I bucked one and Timbuktu"
So dear old maintenance, well more so it was housing and the retards that are employed to work in their office. Anyway, last Friday we come home after work (well after 5pm) to find a lovely note attached to our door that says they will be coming Monday morning to do an inspection on our house and to "please contain your dog". No explanation as to why they are coming to inspect or even what the hell they are looking for. Naturally, we clean the house (as much as you can with dogs and kids) and wonder why they are coming. I assumed it was to check out potential damages since they seem to think a while back that we were moving because Joel got orders to Korea. Totally put a stop to the thinking behind that one!
Monday rolls around, Lola is locked in the laundry room, or "contained" as they so politely put it in their stupid ass notice and we don't think anymore about it. That is until we get home Monday night to yet another lovely notice saying "sorry we missed you. (my ass you're sorry) we were unable to complete the open service request on your residence due to your dog is in the laundry room and I can't get to the garage" Please call to reschedule. Are you frickin kidding me?? You mean to tell me you have a key to my front door and my back door but not a key to the god damn garage cuz there are 3 door going to the garage and 2 of them are from the outside. Give me a damn break!
Tuesday morning I call the nifty little number they provided me with on their notice to reschedule and wouldn't you know it, they tell me the guy came and had to leave because my dog was in the laundry room. Well no shit sherlock, that's why I'm calling. So I ask what this inspection is all about and supposedly its a yearly inspection to make sure everything is working properly, like faucets aren't leaking, lights aren't broken, etc. Well don't you think I would have called you to fix it if shit was broken? Anyway, I tell the lady I'm calling to reschedule and she tells me I have to call the housing office for that. I'm like "umm, your number is on the notice to call to reschedule" super cluster fuck but apparently they give you the wrong number to call so these people can give you the right number to call, or so they lead you to believe. I call the number she gives me and low and behold, its a god damn fax machine! Seriously? These people could screw up a wet dream! By now I'm overly irritated, imagine that! So I call Joel and tell him to deal with it and also tell him to have them come Friday when I'm off work so I can "contain the dog"
I get home from work that night and yay, they are coming Friday morning between 9a-12p. Sweet, cuz I have a lot of crap to do that doesn't consist of sitting in the house all day. So this brings me to today...Friday! I'm anxiously awaiting these retards to come and do their thing so I can go run errands and be productive. By 11:30am I'm getting annoyed because they haven't come yet. I text Joel telling him they haven't come so he says he will stop by their office and find out what the hell is going on. A few minutes later, he is at home. He stopped by the office and the dumb broad working there tells him the guy already came to our house but no one was home. I flipped out! Here I've been sitting on my ass all morning waiting for these douchebags to come and she says they already did....unless he just drove by my house and didn't stop I'm totally calling BULLSHIT! So I call over there. Naturally they don't answer the phone, because they never do....oh, and they never call you back but I left a nice (not really) message telling her to call me back ASAP because this dude was never here, I've been sitting here all damn day and I need to know when he's coming because I have shit to do.
Oddly enough, about a half hour there goes my doorbell...then the dog starts barking out of control...hmm, guess someone finally showed up to our house! So there stands this poor, innocent little guy that starts off the conversation with "hello ma'am, I was sent here to do your annual inspection" and of course this unleashes the beast in me where I respond with "it's about fucking time, I've been here all day waiting for you" his response is "I'm so sorry, I got here as soon as I could" I then asked him if he or anyone else had come by earlier because the housing retard said they did...of course he hadn't. He was at our house on Monday but not today before this time. I told him the housing bitch said he would be here between 9a-12p, where his response is he was told to come in the PM and even went as far as showing me his paper with our name, address and it stating "resident requests PM appointment" but yet they told my husband they would come in the AM. I tell the guy I'm glad he came when he did because if I had to wait until 4pm, I probably would have gone complete psycho on people! So now I'm ever more annoyed because not only did housing get this all jacked up once again, now I have to apologize to this poor guy who I just tore off his ass for something that wasn't his fault. PS this inspection took all of 4 minutes....long enough to change 2 batteries in the smoke detectors and change out the fire extinguisher, none of which are in the laundry room or the god damn garage he couldn't get into before. Ugh!
This poor guy is apologizing for housings errors and asks if there is anything else he can do to make this better. So why not, I tell him about the phone number screw up on the notice he left on Monday and filled him on that fiasco with the phones and fax machine. He tells me he's going to go to the office and let the housing lady know she screwed up cuz apparently she does it all the time and he gets yelled at for everything because of course, housing never calls you back and he's the poor dude that has to face all these pissed off people. Ugh....anyway, everything has been maintained I guess and that shit is over with so now I can finally leave the house. To Walmart I go............
I'm sure your eyes are tired and you're sick of reading by now but bear with me, it'll be worth it, I promise! Oh dear Walmart, you never cease to amaze me and I'm pretty sure I say that every time I go there and have something to write about. I went there totally innocent (ok, not so much) but I left corrupted to beat hell! After getting some things I needed, I had to go down the Easter aisles cuz well, Easter is coming up and its another scandolous holiday to get you to buy more crap that you don't need even though Easter has nothing to do chocolate bunnies and shit stuffed plastic eggs. So there I am standing in the candy aisle trying to determine what I want my child to rot his teeth with and I get distracted by these super cute little stuffed animals. Suddenly it hits me. This god awful, rotten ass smell that brought tears to my eyes and made my throat close because it didn't want me breathing in that toxic shit. I looked around and there was one other lady in the aisle with me but she was probably 8 feet from me. WTF is that smell? I'm not kidding, I live with 3 boys and 2 dogs that all smell like death at least once daily and their stenchs had nothing on this god forsaken smell in Walmart.
It was probably only 10-15 seconds but it seemed like a lifetime! As I'm literally gasping for air and can't see I'm thinking "holy shit, someone just set off tear gas" or something equally as potent. And just as soon as the smell came, it went away. Recovery period took a little while but I managed to regain my composure! So I grab one of those little stuffed animals that had stopped me before I exited the aisle of death. As soon as I pick it up, there is that god damn smell again. I honest to God smelled the stuffed animal thinking it was coming from them...but nope! I threw the animal in my cart, that I still thank God it was able to drive in a straight line because I high-tailed it out of that aisle quicker than a ninja. Just as I'm rounding the corner to another aisle I hear it.....the sweet little lady that was in the aisle with me rounds the opposite corner and tells her daughter "oh, I shouldn't have ate those beans and peppers for lunch. I can't stop farting" LADY! WTF, you almost killed me in the candy aisle. Candy is suppose to be yummy and sweet, not covering in your shit and smelling like a dead animal. This bitch was just tearing it up in the aisle and didn't give a crap (or maybe she did give a crap in her pants) seriously lady, you need to go wipe cuz that shit almost took me out!
I figure it's time to get out of there because if she keeps it up someone is bound to start throwing candles at her or something. I head to the checkout lane. Just when you thought my story couldn't get any better?? You are SO wrong! There is one lady ahead of me and I'm not paying much attention until I hear "hi, I'm Alexis" in the deepest man voice humanly possible. I look up and see no men standing anywhere within earshot. WTF! The lady in front of me leaves so I'm waiting for the cashier lady to ring up my stuff, which included stanky ass candy that should have been free after all the crap I went through to get it" and again I hear "hi, I'm Alexis" in that horrible deep voice. Then I realize, its the cashier talking to me so I look up and sure enough the nametag says Alexis but that manly voice came stocked with a pretty strawberry blond wig about shoulder length with cute bangs, boobs bigger than mine and a beautiful 5 o'clock shadow at 2pm. Holy mother of Jesus! Now let me throw it out there that I could really care less if men want to be women, women want to be men, men want to be with men, etc...I don't give a crap, it's not my life. Clearly this person was in the middle of their change to another life and it just took me by surprise....and then Alexis rang up Rylan's new underwear I bought him and says "oh I love Mickey Mouse, he's my favorite! And all those kids that love him too, I just love those kids" What the hell did you just say?? Is it just me or did that totally sound super freakin creepy and not because a semi female looking person with a beard said it in a deep man voice?? I had nothing to say back....speechless, for one of the few times in my life! Holy crap, I have to stop going to Walmart! But hey, at least I got the cart that drives well, which brings me back to Timbuktu! Oh man, I swear I'll be done after this story.
So my mom used to be one of the greatest joke tellers ever and even though I had heard most of them 6 million times, they were still pretty awesome. So as I started writing this blog and mentioned Timbuktu, it totally reminded me of a joke she used to tell all the time so now I have to share it. If nothing in this blog has made you laugh thus far, I'm sorry I suck but this will make you laugh and if not, you suck!
A Polock and a high ranking Scholar are competing for a Harvard scholarship and to determine the winner they are given a task to come up with a poem on the spot ending in the word "Timbuktu"
The Scholar goes first and reads:
"Across the blazing desert sand
Rode an Arabian Caravan.
One by one and two by two
Destination Timbuktu"
Not too bad! Up stands the Polock and states
"Tim and I, a hunting we went
Found 3 whores in a tent.
Them being 3 and us being 2
I bucked one and Timbuktu"
Saturday, March 9, 2013
When Work Hurts
Everyone, I don't care WHO you are has a day where they wake up and say "I really don't want to go to work today" and maybe you don't....you take a mental health day or maybe you drag your ass out of bed, get in the shower and take the routine drive to the grindstone to endure another day. All the while thinking about your coworkers that annoy the shit out of you, the ones that you know you can always turn to and those that should just remain unemployed for the better part of their lives just to make everyones lives a little less miserable. You know what I'm taking about? Let me break this down for you, everyone has at least one coworker that SUCKS, I mean sucks at work and everyday you think up random ways to accidentally trip them, throw them through a wall or hope they fall off their chair and smack their stupid head against their desk. Everyone has one....maybe you ARE that person (sorry, someone has to be) or maybe you don't even know they exist, which is highly unlikely because if you don't notice, that means you are the person! Wondering what I'm talking about yet? Don't be confused, I'll explain more! There's always one in every bunch, which one are you? My disclosure to this is that I'm not calling out any of my coworkers, I happen to like everyone I work with (good and bad) and for the most part everyone is awesome and well, the ones that aren't, well they can't read this anyway so why the hell do I care!
* The Whiner: ah yes, never shut up and whine about everything! No matter what they are asked to do, they whine and complain until eventually someone else does it for them....ah yes, the whiner. Everyone hates a whiner. Just shut up and do your job, after all, it is what you are being paid for! Believe me, if I could find a job where I could nothing at all and get paid for it, well...I wouldn't do that cuz I actually like working, being busy and doing things; however, you my friend do not have a job where you can sit on your ass whining all day long so get up, stick a sock in your fat trap and do something!
* Antagonist: this person is rude and unpleasant to coworkers and customers, doesn't matter the situation, they are just an asshole! You could bring them coffee, make them fresh doughnuts and bend down to tie their damn shoes and they will still be an asshole. Don't take offense to it, its just their personality and if they like living as an asshole, who am I to judge? Wait a second, I will judge cuz if you're an asshole to me I will make your life hell. This asshole will contantly argue with you just for the sake of arguing. The sky is blue? No way...it's red and that will never change, unlss of course someone punches them in the eye, making them blind and then they can't see anything at all :)
* Blameless Bob: Why Bob? What did Bob do? Well my guess is he always had an excuse for everything and now this trait is named after him. Yep, Bob takes no blame no matter what. Bob must be perfect! Bob can't possibly be the one doing things wrong, it's everyone else. And if Bob is asked to do something, Bob meets up with the whiner and has every excuse possible not to do it, but also every excuse as to why other people can't do it correctly. Face it, Bob sucks and is not friends with anyone. In fact, Bob is secretly plotted against to be pushed off a ledge or left on a desert island covered in peanut butter with nothing except hungry bears! Oh Bob, can't you just share you perfectioned ways with the rest of us instead of prancing around with your fake ass crown on your head, ratting everyone out for the stupidest shit? Bob, you're gonna get your ass kicked one of these days!
* The fragrant one: oh man, are we talking about coworkers now or patients?? Yikes! Please shower before you go to the OB/GYN clinic for the love of Christ! Anyway, there's always a fragrant coworker that you try to avoid in the hallway because oohhhhhwwweeeee, you're gonna barf! Whether the stench is bad breath, funky ass, stank body odor or maybe they wear too much perfume that makes your eyes want to vomit, you plot your day around avoiding this person at all cost because quite frankly, vomiting during work isn't fun! Of course its awkward to tell this person "yo, you be stinking bad", afterall, you don't want to embarrass or offend them but dude, if you just ate 6 cloves of garlic and shit your pants, you're gonna stink and expect someone to say something.
* The inappropriate dresser: not much for explanation on this one. Unless you're working on the corner late at night or are employed by a place where having limited clothes is possible, there is no reason to come to work dressed like Tina Turner, Cher or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. In other words, if you work in a professional place, take for example a hospital, you do not need to wear clothes 6 sizes too small to excentuate your bobbs along with your 6 rolls of back fat and you also don't need spike heels with a glittery fashion! If someone has to wonder "how'd ya get in them jeans" or "did you steal that from my child"...probably not suitable for work!
* Smooth Talker: kinds of like Smooth Criminal but not really. Smooth talkers seem to think they are always right and don't listen to others, sort of like Bob above, but a little different. Smoothy here likes to take credit for other peoples work just so they can get ahead and of course end up getting more benefits or perks at work because they are essentially throwing everyone else under the bus. What I wonder though is why no one is kicking Smoothy's ass outside along with Bob?
* The Tortoise: thinking this person is slow as dirt? Well, you're probably right but this person is the one that constantly shows up late to work or just doesn't come at all....ah, the habitual caller-inner! Ok, so I'm practically late to work everyday by a few minutes because I can't drop my boys off at school any earlier than I already do so I'll just go ahead and call myself the Tortoise. Damn! The tortoise that just doesn't come in at all, well I want to throat punch that bitch! What makes you so special that you don't have to come to work? Tortoise seems to think everyone else wants to work their ass off while they are probably chilin on the couch watching bad reruns of the Drew Carey Show. There have been plenty of days everyone else really doesn't want to go to work but guess what, we all go and do what we need to do....WORK!
* Hand Holder: For some reason the Beattles "Drive My Car" song just popped into my head...WTF! Hand holder is the one that needs constant supervision. Either they are retarded and don't learn things after showing them 16,000 times and need to be monitored or they are the ones you honestly don't trust to do things on their own because why bother, you're gonna end up doing it over when they're done. Ugh, I hate holding hands, such a breeding ground for germs! Still singing "drive my car"??
* Early Retiree: oh this dear, sweet person has been around for a very long time. I mean, they're practically a fixture in the building! But after so many years the work has sloughed off and they are now starting to practice on-the-job retirement. God forbid they have to get up and do something....and if they do, they will say "well back in the dinosaur ages when I started, we did it this way" ok, maybe not quite that long ago but you get the drift. They are old as dirt, can tell you how they met the first president of the USA and seriously, they just need to retire at home, not on the job!
* Amy Attitude: ok Amy, sorry I'm not picking on you but its seriously called this! Amy seems to have a piss poor attitude about everything that brings everyone down. Way to be Debbie Downer! Amy is kind of like Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh, everything is dark, grey and depressing. Amy is the one that mentally exhausts you before you even talk to her because everything is negative! Oh, you won the lottery?? Amy says "well now you have to pay all those taxes, people are going to be stalking you, everyone wants everything...." blah blah blah, way to rain on my parade....BITCH!
* Worrywart: how dare you worry about stuff! Like no one evers worrys? Give me a damn break! This person though is the one that if freaking out about their personal life while at work and it gets in the way of the workday. Ok, I know shit happens at the most inopportune time. So you're at work and someone calls saying your dog just got ran over by a car, yes you are going to worry and potentially be a little less productive until you can make sure the damn leg humper is ok. This person seems to have a major catastophe every day! It's always something with them...like serious drama queen, c'mon!
* Clock Watcher: everyone has one! Shit, everyone has been one! If you can tell me one time you've been at work and haven't looked at the clock, you will win a prize! This person refuses to work even a minute beyond "quitting time". No one wants to be at work longer than they are supposed to be but again, shit happens so deal with it. If you are the person that is suppose to leave at 5pm every night but the next morning you announce to the entire office that "last night I didn't leave until 5:16" then you my friend ARE the clock watcher! No one cares that its time for you to leave so stop announcing it when the clock strikes the end of the day....no one cares that you are leaving, they just want you gone cuz you drive them insane.
* The Gossiper: can you say "I've never said a word about anyone else...ever?" If you said yes, you are a big fat liar! LIAR LIAR LIAR!!! No one could possibly go their entire life without spouting off about someone else....EVER! The gossiper though is the one that spreads rumors and talks maliciously about coworkers, intentionally causing drama in the workplace and of course is the first one to deny deny deny when busted talking shit. If it's not true, shut your face! If someone tells you something in confidence, shut your big fat pie hole! The best way around this one is not ever talk to anyone about anything ever again. No hi, hello, how are you...nothing! If you say nothing, nothing can be said about you, right? Nope cuz now you're the big bitch that's ignoring everyone. Oh well!
* The break-taker: the one that is constantly taking breaks for personal phone calls or smoke breaks. Um, yep thats me, or so it seems! Employees can't possibly be expected to stay in their work area all day long, especially if they work with a bunch of the forementioned people. People would be killed! So if someone is taking breaks all day long and its affecting their work, yes it's an issue. If a person smokes and they need to have a cigarette before they throttle someone into next month, let them go smoke for the love of god! So, this would for sure be my category. I'm a smoker (I know, bad kitty) and I take a few breaks throughout my work day to go inhale the nastiness and regain my sanity. Some people may think I break too often, and yes, some days I sure do...when I'm having a slow day I break more often for lack of other things to do but when I'm busy, I'm busy! We're entitled to a 15 minute break in the morning and afternoon, in addition to our lunch. Lets do some simple math, takes 30 seconds to walk outside, 3.5 minutes to smoke a cigarette and another 30 seconds to walk back in. If I'm not mistaken, that would add up to 3 cigarette breaks to take up the time alloted for our breaks....hmmm, back off snotty non-smokers and stop clock watching!
* Ahhhh, my favorite. The thumb-twidder! Thumb twiddling is actually an ancient form of martial arts, in case you were concerned about that. The thumb twiddler is the useless one. They lack motivation and inititive and quite frankly are lazy! They have the attitude that they get paid to sit on their ass all day long, they stay away from any responsibility and if a volunteer is needed for something, they are the first to duck for cover, run and hide! Unfortunately, the twiddler seems to think they aren't doing anything wrong, while other coworkers are busting their butts trying to get work done, the twiddler is scoping out things on the internet or spending hours on the phone with their spouse. This bastard is LAZY! Not only do they not want to do anything, aside from collect a paycheck, when they do something it sucks. It's sloppy and full of mistakes, probably because while sitting on their ass, they have forgotten how to work. Ahhh, twiddler...you suck! You and Bob are probably BFF's! Just a reminder "anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work they are supposed to be doing at that moment" ~Robert Benchley
Before I go, are you still singing that Beattles song??
* The Whiner: ah yes, never shut up and whine about everything! No matter what they are asked to do, they whine and complain until eventually someone else does it for them....ah yes, the whiner. Everyone hates a whiner. Just shut up and do your job, after all, it is what you are being paid for! Believe me, if I could find a job where I could nothing at all and get paid for it, well...I wouldn't do that cuz I actually like working, being busy and doing things; however, you my friend do not have a job where you can sit on your ass whining all day long so get up, stick a sock in your fat trap and do something!
* Antagonist: this person is rude and unpleasant to coworkers and customers, doesn't matter the situation, they are just an asshole! You could bring them coffee, make them fresh doughnuts and bend down to tie their damn shoes and they will still be an asshole. Don't take offense to it, its just their personality and if they like living as an asshole, who am I to judge? Wait a second, I will judge cuz if you're an asshole to me I will make your life hell. This asshole will contantly argue with you just for the sake of arguing. The sky is blue? No way...it's red and that will never change, unlss of course someone punches them in the eye, making them blind and then they can't see anything at all :)
* Blameless Bob: Why Bob? What did Bob do? Well my guess is he always had an excuse for everything and now this trait is named after him. Yep, Bob takes no blame no matter what. Bob must be perfect! Bob can't possibly be the one doing things wrong, it's everyone else. And if Bob is asked to do something, Bob meets up with the whiner and has every excuse possible not to do it, but also every excuse as to why other people can't do it correctly. Face it, Bob sucks and is not friends with anyone. In fact, Bob is secretly plotted against to be pushed off a ledge or left on a desert island covered in peanut butter with nothing except hungry bears! Oh Bob, can't you just share you perfectioned ways with the rest of us instead of prancing around with your fake ass crown on your head, ratting everyone out for the stupidest shit? Bob, you're gonna get your ass kicked one of these days!
* The fragrant one: oh man, are we talking about coworkers now or patients?? Yikes! Please shower before you go to the OB/GYN clinic for the love of Christ! Anyway, there's always a fragrant coworker that you try to avoid in the hallway because oohhhhhwwweeeee, you're gonna barf! Whether the stench is bad breath, funky ass, stank body odor or maybe they wear too much perfume that makes your eyes want to vomit, you plot your day around avoiding this person at all cost because quite frankly, vomiting during work isn't fun! Of course its awkward to tell this person "yo, you be stinking bad", afterall, you don't want to embarrass or offend them but dude, if you just ate 6 cloves of garlic and shit your pants, you're gonna stink and expect someone to say something.
* The inappropriate dresser: not much for explanation on this one. Unless you're working on the corner late at night or are employed by a place where having limited clothes is possible, there is no reason to come to work dressed like Tina Turner, Cher or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. In other words, if you work in a professional place, take for example a hospital, you do not need to wear clothes 6 sizes too small to excentuate your bobbs along with your 6 rolls of back fat and you also don't need spike heels with a glittery fashion! If someone has to wonder "how'd ya get in them jeans" or "did you steal that from my child"...probably not suitable for work!
* Smooth Talker: kinds of like Smooth Criminal but not really. Smooth talkers seem to think they are always right and don't listen to others, sort of like Bob above, but a little different. Smoothy here likes to take credit for other peoples work just so they can get ahead and of course end up getting more benefits or perks at work because they are essentially throwing everyone else under the bus. What I wonder though is why no one is kicking Smoothy's ass outside along with Bob?
* The Tortoise: thinking this person is slow as dirt? Well, you're probably right but this person is the one that constantly shows up late to work or just doesn't come at all....ah, the habitual caller-inner! Ok, so I'm practically late to work everyday by a few minutes because I can't drop my boys off at school any earlier than I already do so I'll just go ahead and call myself the Tortoise. Damn! The tortoise that just doesn't come in at all, well I want to throat punch that bitch! What makes you so special that you don't have to come to work? Tortoise seems to think everyone else wants to work their ass off while they are probably chilin on the couch watching bad reruns of the Drew Carey Show. There have been plenty of days everyone else really doesn't want to go to work but guess what, we all go and do what we need to do....WORK!
* Hand Holder: For some reason the Beattles "Drive My Car" song just popped into my head...WTF! Hand holder is the one that needs constant supervision. Either they are retarded and don't learn things after showing them 16,000 times and need to be monitored or they are the ones you honestly don't trust to do things on their own because why bother, you're gonna end up doing it over when they're done. Ugh, I hate holding hands, such a breeding ground for germs! Still singing "drive my car"??
* Early Retiree: oh this dear, sweet person has been around for a very long time. I mean, they're practically a fixture in the building! But after so many years the work has sloughed off and they are now starting to practice on-the-job retirement. God forbid they have to get up and do something....and if they do, they will say "well back in the dinosaur ages when I started, we did it this way" ok, maybe not quite that long ago but you get the drift. They are old as dirt, can tell you how they met the first president of the USA and seriously, they just need to retire at home, not on the job!
* Amy Attitude: ok Amy, sorry I'm not picking on you but its seriously called this! Amy seems to have a piss poor attitude about everything that brings everyone down. Way to be Debbie Downer! Amy is kind of like Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh, everything is dark, grey and depressing. Amy is the one that mentally exhausts you before you even talk to her because everything is negative! Oh, you won the lottery?? Amy says "well now you have to pay all those taxes, people are going to be stalking you, everyone wants everything...." blah blah blah, way to rain on my parade....BITCH!
* Worrywart: how dare you worry about stuff! Like no one evers worrys? Give me a damn break! This person though is the one that if freaking out about their personal life while at work and it gets in the way of the workday. Ok, I know shit happens at the most inopportune time. So you're at work and someone calls saying your dog just got ran over by a car, yes you are going to worry and potentially be a little less productive until you can make sure the damn leg humper is ok. This person seems to have a major catastophe every day! It's always something with them...like serious drama queen, c'mon!
* Clock Watcher: everyone has one! Shit, everyone has been one! If you can tell me one time you've been at work and haven't looked at the clock, you will win a prize! This person refuses to work even a minute beyond "quitting time". No one wants to be at work longer than they are supposed to be but again, shit happens so deal with it. If you are the person that is suppose to leave at 5pm every night but the next morning you announce to the entire office that "last night I didn't leave until 5:16" then you my friend ARE the clock watcher! No one cares that its time for you to leave so stop announcing it when the clock strikes the end of the day....no one cares that you are leaving, they just want you gone cuz you drive them insane.
* The Gossiper: can you say "I've never said a word about anyone else...ever?" If you said yes, you are a big fat liar! LIAR LIAR LIAR!!! No one could possibly go their entire life without spouting off about someone else....EVER! The gossiper though is the one that spreads rumors and talks maliciously about coworkers, intentionally causing drama in the workplace and of course is the first one to deny deny deny when busted talking shit. If it's not true, shut your face! If someone tells you something in confidence, shut your big fat pie hole! The best way around this one is not ever talk to anyone about anything ever again. No hi, hello, how are you...nothing! If you say nothing, nothing can be said about you, right? Nope cuz now you're the big bitch that's ignoring everyone. Oh well!
* The break-taker: the one that is constantly taking breaks for personal phone calls or smoke breaks. Um, yep thats me, or so it seems! Employees can't possibly be expected to stay in their work area all day long, especially if they work with a bunch of the forementioned people. People would be killed! So if someone is taking breaks all day long and its affecting their work, yes it's an issue. If a person smokes and they need to have a cigarette before they throttle someone into next month, let them go smoke for the love of god! So, this would for sure be my category. I'm a smoker (I know, bad kitty) and I take a few breaks throughout my work day to go inhale the nastiness and regain my sanity. Some people may think I break too often, and yes, some days I sure do...when I'm having a slow day I break more often for lack of other things to do but when I'm busy, I'm busy! We're entitled to a 15 minute break in the morning and afternoon, in addition to our lunch. Lets do some simple math, takes 30 seconds to walk outside, 3.5 minutes to smoke a cigarette and another 30 seconds to walk back in. If I'm not mistaken, that would add up to 3 cigarette breaks to take up the time alloted for our breaks....hmmm, back off snotty non-smokers and stop clock watching!
* Ahhhh, my favorite. The thumb-twidder! Thumb twiddling is actually an ancient form of martial arts, in case you were concerned about that. The thumb twiddler is the useless one. They lack motivation and inititive and quite frankly are lazy! They have the attitude that they get paid to sit on their ass all day long, they stay away from any responsibility and if a volunteer is needed for something, they are the first to duck for cover, run and hide! Unfortunately, the twiddler seems to think they aren't doing anything wrong, while other coworkers are busting their butts trying to get work done, the twiddler is scoping out things on the internet or spending hours on the phone with their spouse. This bastard is LAZY! Not only do they not want to do anything, aside from collect a paycheck, when they do something it sucks. It's sloppy and full of mistakes, probably because while sitting on their ass, they have forgotten how to work. Ahhh, twiddler...you suck! You and Bob are probably BFF's! Just a reminder "anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work they are supposed to be doing at that moment" ~Robert Benchley
Before I go, are you still singing that Beattles song??
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Demon Spawn We Love
Everyone says once you have kids your life will change forever. Well no shit, now I have to take care of something 24/7 or be faced with going to jail for neglect, abuse, etc. The funny thing is, there are things people tell you and definitely things they don't....even such things with pregnancy. Of course you are excited to find out (well most people) you will have a little bundle of joy AKA a non stop crying, crapping and eating machine but then the fun really begins and before you know it you find yourself asking "wtf was I thinking?"
1) your uterus is generally the size of a baseball and graciously stretches to the size of a Volkswagen to house this little beast that is trying to sledgehammer through the walls. Once things start stretching, don't ever expect things to feel the same or even be in the same location they once were.
2) your bladder soon becomes a punching bag for this little monster and you have to pee every 5 minutes...mainly between the hours of 11pm-6am, which of course means you are never sleeping again!
3) once that precious little poop machine comes out you will never have a part of your body that hasn't been covered in its body fluids. It will throw up in your mouth. It will shit up your arm as you're changing a diaper. It will piss in your eye. There will be days you have walked around with some bodily substance on you but didn't notice until you're ready for bed and wonder 'how long has that been there' and most importantly 'what the hell is that?"
4) you will never sleep again. No, it's not some sick thing people say to be cruel, it's true! embrace the fact you will never sleep again and invest in cucumbers to decrease the pretty bags under your eyes. Even when your shit machine sleeps all night, you won't! You think you hear them move and you're awake. Did they cough? Are they breathing? Did I just hear someone sneak down the chimney we don't even have and steal my child? Face the music....you will never sleep again! Even if you are lucky enough to drop into coma mode for a night, you wake up feeling awful cuz you just shocked the hell out of your body. Remember, it's making up for not sleeping for so long that when you do sleep, it's not sure how to process it. You won't sleep again, just saying!
5) think you had to pee while you're pregnant? Wait til after that baby pushes everything out of its way on its way out. Now your bladder is the size of a grain of salt but instead of being able to wait a hour to pee, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you're doing the one-legged hop and clench to the bathroom after 15 seconds praying to god you wished you had a depends! Just wait, it gets better! Hahaha, now that's a sick joke cuz the more fat heads you push out of your who-ha, the worse it gets!
6) post partum periods, really? You go through your life having to deal with monthly bleeding and contemplating buying stock in tampons but once you get that first period after a baby, you wish you would have bout a casket so you could bury yourself! Talk about hemorrhaging! And the cramps....as if labor wasn't fun enough, now you get to endure it all over again except this time all you get is a trash can full of nasty feminine products instead of a baby. Awesome!
7) never again will you pee without an audience. They will find you, no matter how many doors separate you from them in the bathroom. Not to mention, while you're in a mad hurry to pee from your tiny crazy bladder acting a fool in the first place, now you get to maneuver around toys on the floor and kids hanging on your legs. Just wait, it will happen!
8) time to get serious, unless you're Mary poppins or you have that magic wand I keep waiting for, your house will never be clean again. Clothes everywhere, toys everywhere...including places you never imagined. Nothing like finding a matchbox car taking failure swimming lessons in the toilet, especially when you really have to pee like stated above. And god damn those dishes!
9) you will spend a lot of time, like half of your day, doing damn dishes! Baby bottles, sippy cups and god forbid your kid is like mine and needs a different plate and spoon for every bite of food he eats. No worries though, the other half of your day will be spent changing diapers and scrubbing shit out of clothes because no matter what size diapers they wear, it's not containing those blowouts!
10) get used to the fact that it takes at least a hour to leave the house now. Once you get the kid fed and changed, you pile them in the carseat only to hear the infamous sound of them shitting up their back and now you have to change them again. And if you have more than one kid, adjust to at least one blowing up before you leave the house, whether it be the baby busting loose on the couch or the older one having "the biggest poop ever" on the toilet....which then leads to a 5 minute meltdown about his butt hurting.
11) you might just want to go buy pantyhose now....and lots of it! Why you ask? Because after you breastfeed a baby, even if just a few weeks time, you will need to stuff your boobs in the pantyhose and probably tie it up to keep you from walking on your very non attractive floppy pancakes that were abused as a milk machine. You think I'm kidding? Just wait til you realize you can't distinguish the difference between your boobs and your knees!
12) god forbid mom catches a bug and is sick! You think the kids care you just want to die? Nope, they want breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks between meals, snacks between snacks, diapers, play time, bath time, read this, play that, meltdowns and tantrums (more so when you have a raging headache) and of course those stupid dishes don't disappear because you're sick. Got the flu? Get a travel bucket cuz even with your head hanging in the toilet they will still find you!
These are just a few things to remind people why having kids suck, I mean....are so awesome to have around 24/7 :)
1) your uterus is generally the size of a baseball and graciously stretches to the size of a Volkswagen to house this little beast that is trying to sledgehammer through the walls. Once things start stretching, don't ever expect things to feel the same or even be in the same location they once were.
2) your bladder soon becomes a punching bag for this little monster and you have to pee every 5 minutes...mainly between the hours of 11pm-6am, which of course means you are never sleeping again!
3) once that precious little poop machine comes out you will never have a part of your body that hasn't been covered in its body fluids. It will throw up in your mouth. It will shit up your arm as you're changing a diaper. It will piss in your eye. There will be days you have walked around with some bodily substance on you but didn't notice until you're ready for bed and wonder 'how long has that been there' and most importantly 'what the hell is that?"
4) you will never sleep again. No, it's not some sick thing people say to be cruel, it's true! embrace the fact you will never sleep again and invest in cucumbers to decrease the pretty bags under your eyes. Even when your shit machine sleeps all night, you won't! You think you hear them move and you're awake. Did they cough? Are they breathing? Did I just hear someone sneak down the chimney we don't even have and steal my child? Face the music....you will never sleep again! Even if you are lucky enough to drop into coma mode for a night, you wake up feeling awful cuz you just shocked the hell out of your body. Remember, it's making up for not sleeping for so long that when you do sleep, it's not sure how to process it. You won't sleep again, just saying!
5) think you had to pee while you're pregnant? Wait til after that baby pushes everything out of its way on its way out. Now your bladder is the size of a grain of salt but instead of being able to wait a hour to pee, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you're doing the one-legged hop and clench to the bathroom after 15 seconds praying to god you wished you had a depends! Just wait, it gets better! Hahaha, now that's a sick joke cuz the more fat heads you push out of your who-ha, the worse it gets!
6) post partum periods, really? You go through your life having to deal with monthly bleeding and contemplating buying stock in tampons but once you get that first period after a baby, you wish you would have bout a casket so you could bury yourself! Talk about hemorrhaging! And the cramps....as if labor wasn't fun enough, now you get to endure it all over again except this time all you get is a trash can full of nasty feminine products instead of a baby. Awesome!
7) never again will you pee without an audience. They will find you, no matter how many doors separate you from them in the bathroom. Not to mention, while you're in a mad hurry to pee from your tiny crazy bladder acting a fool in the first place, now you get to maneuver around toys on the floor and kids hanging on your legs. Just wait, it will happen!
8) time to get serious, unless you're Mary poppins or you have that magic wand I keep waiting for, your house will never be clean again. Clothes everywhere, toys everywhere...including places you never imagined. Nothing like finding a matchbox car taking failure swimming lessons in the toilet, especially when you really have to pee like stated above. And god damn those dishes!
9) you will spend a lot of time, like half of your day, doing damn dishes! Baby bottles, sippy cups and god forbid your kid is like mine and needs a different plate and spoon for every bite of food he eats. No worries though, the other half of your day will be spent changing diapers and scrubbing shit out of clothes because no matter what size diapers they wear, it's not containing those blowouts!
10) get used to the fact that it takes at least a hour to leave the house now. Once you get the kid fed and changed, you pile them in the carseat only to hear the infamous sound of them shitting up their back and now you have to change them again. And if you have more than one kid, adjust to at least one blowing up before you leave the house, whether it be the baby busting loose on the couch or the older one having "the biggest poop ever" on the toilet....which then leads to a 5 minute meltdown about his butt hurting.
11) you might just want to go buy pantyhose now....and lots of it! Why you ask? Because after you breastfeed a baby, even if just a few weeks time, you will need to stuff your boobs in the pantyhose and probably tie it up to keep you from walking on your very non attractive floppy pancakes that were abused as a milk machine. You think I'm kidding? Just wait til you realize you can't distinguish the difference between your boobs and your knees!
12) god forbid mom catches a bug and is sick! You think the kids care you just want to die? Nope, they want breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks between meals, snacks between snacks, diapers, play time, bath time, read this, play that, meltdowns and tantrums (more so when you have a raging headache) and of course those stupid dishes don't disappear because you're sick. Got the flu? Get a travel bucket cuz even with your head hanging in the toilet they will still find you!
These are just a few things to remind people why having kids suck, I mean....are so awesome to have around 24/7 :)
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
What it REALLY Means
Whether you're driving down the road and see a bumper sticker that makes you giggle, you're browsing on pinterest and come across one of those e-cards that are something you can relate to or someone says something....here's what it really means. Of course, this is not scientific evidence of these meanings, just my obnoxious and maybe true opinion....or maybe it really is scientific and I'm just a brilliant person pointing out common sense to people :)
0) the infamous "it's not you, it's me....." Blah blah blah. Of course it's you! The person saying it just doesn't have big enough balls to spit out the real truth behind why it's you.
0) "you never realize what you have until its gone" well duh! When you don't need something, you don't realize you have it until you need it. Or even if you have something (and use it) everyday you may not realize how great it is until its gone. Prime example: toilet paper! Awesome thing to have on every occasion sitting on the pot but you're potentially screwed when its gone!
0) "I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today" well come on, if you have to pretend, why waste the time? There's no real explanation behind this saying aside from just sucking it up telling people they're annoying, obnoxious and you can't effin stand them! They may not like it but you will feel better just on accord of being honest.
0) "she's a nice person once you get to know her" AKA she's a freaking bitch so deal with it.
0) "go to hell or die trying" essentially whoever is saying this wants you to go screw yourself and in a hardcore way. Go to hell...ok that's self explanatory; however, your transportation to get there may be negotiable. 'Die trying' well I suppose for whatever reason you are actively trying to get to hell, perhaps the person telling to you go there hopes you get hit by the bus driving there :)
0) up shits creek (with or without a paddle)....I don't know anyone that wants to be floating in a creek full of shit but to each their own. Again, typically means you're screwed but again it's a creek full of feces so what else would you expect?
0) stick that in your pipe and smoke it: well, don't mind if I do! If I had a pipe and had something to stick in it, I would probably smoke it, what else are you going to do with a full pipe? Especially in colorado now where a pipe stuffing substance is legal. Now, before I get popped form a drug test at work, I would like to say I do not have a pipe, do not smoke anything requiring a pipe nor do i use any other drugs, that being said, bring own the drug test!
0) what do you think of them apples? Quite frankly I think them apples are sweet and taste rather delicious but thank you for being concerned about my take on them apples. Realistically, it's a smart ass way of asking your opinion on something but really, what a gay way of asking! I still think them apples are good...shit, now I want an apple. Great! Now I think them apples suck cuz I ain't gots none!
0) while attempting to do dishes someone says "I'm just going to let them soak" while they pile the dishes in the sink with water. Must I say what it really means? It's a cop out way of saying they are leaving them there until someone else can't stand the sight of them any longer, ends up washing them and the first little bastard gets out of doing dishes. Assholes!
Unfortunately, I have mom duties to run off to take care of so I can't finish my list. I'm sadly disappointed with this list so far but oh well, maybe in my next life I will have more time to do stuff that doesn't involve feeding and bathing kids, changing diapers and of course, doing those mother $@&!?%# dishes! Have I mentioned lately the dishes royally suck donkey balls? Ok, just checking :)
0) the infamous "it's not you, it's me....." Blah blah blah. Of course it's you! The person saying it just doesn't have big enough balls to spit out the real truth behind why it's you.
0) "you never realize what you have until its gone" well duh! When you don't need something, you don't realize you have it until you need it. Or even if you have something (and use it) everyday you may not realize how great it is until its gone. Prime example: toilet paper! Awesome thing to have on every occasion sitting on the pot but you're potentially screwed when its gone!
0) "I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today" well come on, if you have to pretend, why waste the time? There's no real explanation behind this saying aside from just sucking it up telling people they're annoying, obnoxious and you can't effin stand them! They may not like it but you will feel better just on accord of being honest.
0) "she's a nice person once you get to know her" AKA she's a freaking bitch so deal with it.
0) "go to hell or die trying" essentially whoever is saying this wants you to go screw yourself and in a hardcore way. Go to hell...ok that's self explanatory; however, your transportation to get there may be negotiable. 'Die trying' well I suppose for whatever reason you are actively trying to get to hell, perhaps the person telling to you go there hopes you get hit by the bus driving there :)
0) up shits creek (with or without a paddle)....I don't know anyone that wants to be floating in a creek full of shit but to each their own. Again, typically means you're screwed but again it's a creek full of feces so what else would you expect?
0) stick that in your pipe and smoke it: well, don't mind if I do! If I had a pipe and had something to stick in it, I would probably smoke it, what else are you going to do with a full pipe? Especially in colorado now where a pipe stuffing substance is legal. Now, before I get popped form a drug test at work, I would like to say I do not have a pipe, do not smoke anything requiring a pipe nor do i use any other drugs, that being said, bring own the drug test!
0) what do you think of them apples? Quite frankly I think them apples are sweet and taste rather delicious but thank you for being concerned about my take on them apples. Realistically, it's a smart ass way of asking your opinion on something but really, what a gay way of asking! I still think them apples are good...shit, now I want an apple. Great! Now I think them apples suck cuz I ain't gots none!
0) while attempting to do dishes someone says "I'm just going to let them soak" while they pile the dishes in the sink with water. Must I say what it really means? It's a cop out way of saying they are leaving them there until someone else can't stand the sight of them any longer, ends up washing them and the first little bastard gets out of doing dishes. Assholes!
Unfortunately, I have mom duties to run off to take care of so I can't finish my list. I'm sadly disappointed with this list so far but oh well, maybe in my next life I will have more time to do stuff that doesn't involve feeding and bathing kids, changing diapers and of course, doing those mother $@&!?%# dishes! Have I mentioned lately the dishes royally suck donkey balls? Ok, just checking :)
Friday, March 1, 2013
Magic Wand
In a land of magic where everything does itself, that is where I want to belong! Unfortunately, my magic wand has been permanently sent for repairs so everything has to get done without it. Why do I want my wand back? Let me tell you!
* the food would prance its way from the cupboards and refrigerator into the oven and cook itself. Although I do like cooking, it's frickin exhausting and majorly time consuming.
* the dishes from said made food above would walk their happy ass to the sink, take a bath and retreat back into the cabinets. Instead, they pile on the counter until scrubbed and piled on the counter to dry.
* laundry...oh laundry! No need to elaborate on this one but it sure would be nice if it could put itself away. Nothing worse than having to dig through laundry baskets of clean, wrinkled clothes to find clean socks because those damn clothes haven't figured out how to spring themselves up on the hangers.
* now if only a new roll of toilet paper could magically appear on the holder when it's all gone! Not in my house, it's much easier to put the new roll on the shelf that is 6 inches further away from the toilet paper holder. Makes sense, right?
* if only I cared about making the bed! I mean really, no one sees my bed except my husband, myself and the kids and quite frankly, rylan doesn't care if the bed isn't made, Jackson doesn't even know what the bed is and I could seriously care less. But my husband is OCD about the bed being made everyday. I won't waste my wand powers on this shit but its safe to say for the year he will be gone, the bed will never be made!
* I need a magic cure to eliminate the dog crap over taking the backyard. I know they make these nifty little pooper scooper devices but that means someone has to actively go scoop poop. Gross! Hmmm....how to get rid of dog poop?? Ah yes, get rid of dogs that make the poop, problem solved but not going to happen. Magic wand, now!
* recycling day is a happy day for me! Only because its just about the only time when empty boxes, cans and milk containers aren't piled up on the counter, naturally right next to the clean dishes piled up on the counter next to the sink with dirty dishes piled on the counter on the other side of the sink. I think I need a bigger kitchen!
* magic wand, please come take the scale buildup ring out of my toilet! Spending lots of time bent over the toilet with that nasty scrub brush flinging poop particles all up in the air is not my idea of fun on my day off. No matter what cleaning product is used or even home remedy tried, nothing decrusts that scum from the toilet bowl. Not that I spend time staring into the toilet hoping for a pretty white bowl, but sure as hell if I have to hang my head in there to barf (or what used to be the perfect pass out place many moons ago) I do not want to be looking at that scaly stupid ring!
* if only the tv would come with a swift device that could change the channel without having to move. Hmmm, is that a remote control? I guess barely ever holding it would confuse me but damn, that magic wand would be great so I could change the channel while my husband is making me watch some stupid shit like duck dynasty, swamp people or some gay ass British car show.
Now, I've noticed I could use the magic wand for a lot of household things...and why not? Truly, no one likes doing the stuff I've talked about. BUT, just imagine a magic wand that worked outside the house!! It could do all the grocery shopping. It could wash the car. It could take away all the fun madness of Black Friday shopping or waiting to return something to Walmart the day after
Christmas. Awesome!
Of course, there would have to be limits on the wand usage. You couldn't very well make obnoxious coworkers disappear, although that would be amazing! Then again, it would take away all of the amusement of occasionally flipping out on that dumb ass person. It would be great to bust out the wand when someone in front of you refuses to drive the speed limit, no matter how late you are for work. And we can't being wanding our paychecks to make them have a few more zeros in them. After all, that would take away all the stress of government furloughs, losing hours at work, being short staffed and getting our paychecks cut. And if we could add more numbers to our paychecks, we wouldn't need to work so we would have all this extra time to do the chores the wand was intended for in the first place. Wand abuse? Possibly!
I suppose when all is said and done, the bottom line is the repair man blows at his job and is not fixing my magic wand. Maybe he's getting his employment cutbacks now too. I will just have to get used to the fact that I have to grocery shop, cook food, do dishes, clean up dog shit, change the toilet paper rolls, do laundry....and put the damn stuff away, take out the garbage and recycling, scrub toilets, watch dumb shit on tv (only for a few more weeks though) and clean up after the kids. I'll still have to put up with obnoxious coworkers, unless they accidentally fall off a cliff and those assholes
that drive slow in front of me.....well I'll ride your ass, yell curse words at you even though you can't hear me and will probably not get to work any faster but at least I will release some aggression on you and maybe refrain from killing the fore mentioned obnoxious coworker. All this said, still no wand but damn it, I'm not making the stupid bed!!
* the food would prance its way from the cupboards and refrigerator into the oven and cook itself. Although I do like cooking, it's frickin exhausting and majorly time consuming.
* the dishes from said made food above would walk their happy ass to the sink, take a bath and retreat back into the cabinets. Instead, they pile on the counter until scrubbed and piled on the counter to dry.
* laundry...oh laundry! No need to elaborate on this one but it sure would be nice if it could put itself away. Nothing worse than having to dig through laundry baskets of clean, wrinkled clothes to find clean socks because those damn clothes haven't figured out how to spring themselves up on the hangers.
* now if only a new roll of toilet paper could magically appear on the holder when it's all gone! Not in my house, it's much easier to put the new roll on the shelf that is 6 inches further away from the toilet paper holder. Makes sense, right?
* if only I cared about making the bed! I mean really, no one sees my bed except my husband, myself and the kids and quite frankly, rylan doesn't care if the bed isn't made, Jackson doesn't even know what the bed is and I could seriously care less. But my husband is OCD about the bed being made everyday. I won't waste my wand powers on this shit but its safe to say for the year he will be gone, the bed will never be made!
* I need a magic cure to eliminate the dog crap over taking the backyard. I know they make these nifty little pooper scooper devices but that means someone has to actively go scoop poop. Gross! Hmmm....how to get rid of dog poop?? Ah yes, get rid of dogs that make the poop, problem solved but not going to happen. Magic wand, now!
* recycling day is a happy day for me! Only because its just about the only time when empty boxes, cans and milk containers aren't piled up on the counter, naturally right next to the clean dishes piled up on the counter next to the sink with dirty dishes piled on the counter on the other side of the sink. I think I need a bigger kitchen!
* magic wand, please come take the scale buildup ring out of my toilet! Spending lots of time bent over the toilet with that nasty scrub brush flinging poop particles all up in the air is not my idea of fun on my day off. No matter what cleaning product is used or even home remedy tried, nothing decrusts that scum from the toilet bowl. Not that I spend time staring into the toilet hoping for a pretty white bowl, but sure as hell if I have to hang my head in there to barf (or what used to be the perfect pass out place many moons ago) I do not want to be looking at that scaly stupid ring!
* if only the tv would come with a swift device that could change the channel without having to move. Hmmm, is that a remote control? I guess barely ever holding it would confuse me but damn, that magic wand would be great so I could change the channel while my husband is making me watch some stupid shit like duck dynasty, swamp people or some gay ass British car show.
Now, I've noticed I could use the magic wand for a lot of household things...and why not? Truly, no one likes doing the stuff I've talked about. BUT, just imagine a magic wand that worked outside the house!! It could do all the grocery shopping. It could wash the car. It could take away all the fun madness of Black Friday shopping or waiting to return something to Walmart the day after
Christmas. Awesome!
Of course, there would have to be limits on the wand usage. You couldn't very well make obnoxious coworkers disappear, although that would be amazing! Then again, it would take away all of the amusement of occasionally flipping out on that dumb ass person. It would be great to bust out the wand when someone in front of you refuses to drive the speed limit, no matter how late you are for work. And we can't being wanding our paychecks to make them have a few more zeros in them. After all, that would take away all the stress of government furloughs, losing hours at work, being short staffed and getting our paychecks cut. And if we could add more numbers to our paychecks, we wouldn't need to work so we would have all this extra time to do the chores the wand was intended for in the first place. Wand abuse? Possibly!
I suppose when all is said and done, the bottom line is the repair man blows at his job and is not fixing my magic wand. Maybe he's getting his employment cutbacks now too. I will just have to get used to the fact that I have to grocery shop, cook food, do dishes, clean up dog shit, change the toilet paper rolls, do laundry....and put the damn stuff away, take out the garbage and recycling, scrub toilets, watch dumb shit on tv (only for a few more weeks though) and clean up after the kids. I'll still have to put up with obnoxious coworkers, unless they accidentally fall off a cliff and those assholes
that drive slow in front of me.....well I'll ride your ass, yell curse words at you even though you can't hear me and will probably not get to work any faster but at least I will release some aggression on you and maybe refrain from killing the fore mentioned obnoxious coworker. All this said, still no wand but damn it, I'm not making the stupid bed!!
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