Just When You Think It's All Been Done Before

Well hell, most days I consider myself lucky if I get to take a shower. Today I got “blessed” with being able to take two. As well as Rylan taking a bath and a shower and Jackson taking 2 baths. How you ask? Well, I shall get to that in a moment. I must preface my story with the fact that I have been diligently working on not swearing around my kids, namely Rylan who acts as a parrot and repeats every god awful thing he ever hears. For example, we can rarely take a car ride without him calling someone a ‘stupid broad’ thanks to my husband.

I must warn you, what you are about to read is going to be graphic, explicit and might very well make you vomit on yourself, but hey, better your own body fluids on you than someone elses, right? I started my day being overly excited about the fact that Jackson took a massive poop and for the first time ever, it all remained in the diaper. I found myself actually looking at it and saying out loud “how did that stay in there” but decided not to question him since he has an overwhelming capability of defying gravity when it comes to poop.

Insert my shower #1, the nice relaxing kind you get to take when both kids decide to nap at the same time but you need to hurry before they wake up because taking a shower with screaming kids is just awesome. Next on our agenda, going to Lowe’s for the 400^th time this weekend because paint matching has become a severe deficit of mine. Naturally, we are pulling in the parking lot and some dumbass does something incredibly stupid making me yell out “you jackass” and of course the parrot in the backseat oh so sweetly repeats what I said….100 times! We make it in and out of Lowes without him inadvertently calling someone in the store his new favorite phrase.

Onward to Gymboree for a birthday party but of course “jackass” from the backseat is ringing out loudly. Again, we make it in and out without him showing off his new word of choice. Before we leave, I ask Rylan 15 times if he needs to potty before we go, the answer is always no but he always has to go. This time I guess I believed him for whatever reason so we get loaded into the car, out of the parking lot and suddenly “jackass” turns into “I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to poop. I need to go NOW” well I if he only had to pee I could have easily pulled over and had him shake it off on the side of the road but now he threw poop into the mix. Great! Well, he has a pull up on (just in case he was having too much fun playing at Gymboree and didn’t want to potty) but he is against the idea of just going in it.

Attempting to race home but that’s impossible because of course some dumb broad jackass has to be in front of me too busy talking on her phone instead of driving. We make it home, without incident and all is well in the potty world. Eat dinner, relax (as much as you can with 2 kids) and yay, its time for bed! Oh but wait, Rylan now decides that we’re home he wants to drop a log in his underwear, thanks kid! Off the bathtub we all go. I’ve gotten smart now finally and have the boys take their baths together, although I’m sure Jackson is real thrilled about Rylan having to pee in the tub every time before he will sit down and take a bath.

Baths done, it’s smooth sailing now, right? Hahahaha, right! Here’s where the total WTF moment transpires. Here’s the scenario, Rylan is sitting on the couch to my right drinking his milk. Jackson is laying on my left arm (facing my right side) drinking his bottle, one dog is laying at my feet to the right side and the other dog, kill me for saying this, was actually smart and was laying in the other room. Jackson drinks his bottle as he normally does when bam, he spits up a little, which is odd for him. Rylan and I both look at him and BAM…he projectile shoots his milk all over both of us, I mean head to toe, in the face down to the toes, which also managed to get all over the couch and dog. WTF! Now, when you have one kid, there isn’t much that can gross you out. When you are a nurse, not much can gross you out. I happen to be a nurse with 2 kids and 2 dogs and I still don’t know how I didn’t toss my dinner all over the floor!

Here I sit, Jackson, Rylan, the dog and I all covered in milk/vomit. Where to start? First thing I want to do is peel my skin off my body because dude, seriously you just barfed ALL over me. Rylan starts screaming because he’s covered in barf. Jackson starts screaming because he’s covered in barf and probably wondering where the hell all of his milk just went. The dog is now standing in the middle of the floor looking at me like WTF. And here I sit, 2 barf covered kids, myself covered in it and my eyes burning because yes, it’s in my eyes! AHHHHHHHH!

Off to the bath, again! Now Rylan spent so much time having a total freak out attack, all the while asking Jackson “baby, why you barf on me?” and calling him a jackass, that I decided to get Jackson taken care of and hosed off first. Bath #2 for him done, new pajamas and off to bed he goes. Now its Rylan’s turn. Instead of plopping him in the tub again I figure ah hell, lets just kill 2 birds with one stone and get in the shower because clearly, my ass is NOT going to bed like this! So here we are, in the shower about to get out when Rylan says “mom, I have to pee” so he starts peeing in the shower and lets out this horrendous fart. You know the kind where you better wipe afterwards. So I’m looking at him with WTF and he says “oh no” and before I have a second to even think about what could happen, he shits on my foot. All out, seriously took a shit on my foot! So now I have barf in my ears and shit on my foot, what the hell did I do to deserve this?

I know, a lot of you are probably thinking its no big deal because we were in the shower but really think about how you might feel if someone shit on your foot after someone else threw up in your mouth! Even after a shower and seriously scrubbing every part of my body that was covered in bodily fluids not belonging to me, I can still smell vomit and kind of want to puke thinking about the poop on my foot. Just when you think you’ve seen it all and had it all happen to you…..have another kid, you will see more than you ever bargained for!