Everyone says once you have kids your life will change forever. Well no shit, now I have to take care of something 24/7 or be faced with going to jail for neglect, abuse, etc. The funny thing is, there are things people tell you and definitely things they don't....even such things with pregnancy. Of course you are excited to find out (well most people) you will have a little bundle of joy AKA a non stop crying, crapping and eating machine but then the fun really begins and before you know it you find yourself asking "wtf was I thinking?"
1) your uterus is generally the size of a baseball and graciously stretches to the size of a Volkswagen to house this little beast that is trying to sledgehammer through the walls. Once things start stretching, don't ever expect things to feel the same or even be in the same location they once were.
2) your bladder soon becomes a punching bag for this little monster and you have to pee every 5 minutes...mainly between the hours of 11pm-6am, which of course means you are never sleeping again!
3) once that precious little poop machine comes out you will never have a part of your body that hasn't been covered in its body fluids. It will throw up in your mouth. It will shit up your arm as you're changing a diaper. It will piss in your eye. There will be days you have walked around with some bodily substance on you but didn't notice until you're ready for bed and wonder 'how long has that been there' and most importantly 'what the hell is that?"
4) you will never sleep again. No, it's not some sick thing people say to be cruel, it's true! embrace the fact you will never sleep again and invest in cucumbers to decrease the pretty bags under your eyes. Even when your shit machine sleeps all night, you won't! You think you hear them move and you're awake. Did they cough? Are they breathing? Did I just hear someone sneak down the chimney we don't even have and steal my child? Face the music....you will never sleep again! Even if you are lucky enough to drop into coma mode for a night, you wake up feeling awful cuz you just shocked the hell out of your body. Remember, it's making up for not sleeping for so long that when you do sleep, it's not sure how to process it. You won't sleep again, just saying!
5) think you had to pee while you're pregnant? Wait til after that baby pushes everything out of its way on its way out. Now your bladder is the size of a grain of salt but instead of being able to wait a hour to pee, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you're doing the one-legged hop and clench to the bathroom after 15 seconds praying to god you wished you had a depends! Just wait, it gets better! Hahaha, now that's a sick joke cuz the more fat heads you push out of your who-ha, the worse it gets!
6) post partum periods, really? You go through your life having to deal with monthly bleeding and contemplating buying stock in tampons but once you get that first period after a baby, you wish you would have bout a casket so you could bury yourself! Talk about hemorrhaging! And the cramps....as if labor wasn't fun enough, now you get to endure it all over again except this time all you get is a trash can full of nasty feminine products instead of a baby. Awesome!
7) never again will you pee without an audience. They will find you, no matter how many doors separate you from them in the bathroom. Not to mention, while you're in a mad hurry to pee from your tiny crazy bladder acting a fool in the first place, now you get to maneuver around toys on the floor and kids hanging on your legs. Just wait, it will happen!
8) time to get serious, unless you're Mary poppins or you have that magic wand I keep waiting for, your house will never be clean again. Clothes everywhere, toys everywhere...including places you never imagined. Nothing like finding a matchbox car taking failure swimming lessons in the toilet, especially when you really have to pee like stated above. And god damn those dishes!
9) you will spend a lot of time, like half of your day, doing damn dishes! Baby bottles, sippy cups and god forbid your kid is like mine and needs a different plate and spoon for every bite of food he eats. No worries though, the other half of your day will be spent changing diapers and scrubbing shit out of clothes because no matter what size diapers they wear, it's not containing those blowouts!
10) get used to the fact that it takes at least a hour to leave the house now. Once you get the kid fed and changed, you pile them in the carseat only to hear the infamous sound of them shitting up their back and now you have to change them again. And if you have more than one kid, adjust to at least one blowing up before you leave the house, whether it be the baby busting loose on the couch or the older one having "the biggest poop ever" on the toilet....which then leads to a 5 minute meltdown about his butt hurting.
11) you might just want to go buy pantyhose now....and lots of it! Why you ask? Because after you breastfeed a baby, even if just a few weeks time, you will need to stuff your boobs in the pantyhose and probably tie it up to keep you from walking on your very non attractive floppy pancakes that were abused as a milk machine. You think I'm kidding? Just wait til you realize you can't distinguish the difference between your boobs and your knees!
12) god forbid mom catches a bug and is sick! You think the kids care you just want to die? Nope, they want breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks between meals, snacks between snacks, diapers, play time, bath time, read this, play that, meltdowns and tantrums (more so when you have a raging headache) and of course those stupid dishes don't disappear because you're sick. Got the flu? Get a travel bucket cuz even with your head hanging in the toilet they will still find you!
These are just a few things to remind people why having kids suck, I mean....are so awesome to have around 24/7 :)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
What it REALLY Means
Whether you're driving down the road and see a bumper sticker that makes you giggle, you're browsing on pinterest and come across one of those e-cards that are something you can relate to or someone says something....here's what it really means. Of course, this is not scientific evidence of these meanings, just my obnoxious and maybe true opinion....or maybe it really is scientific and I'm just a brilliant person pointing out common sense to people :)
0) the infamous "it's not you, it's me....." Blah blah blah. Of course it's you! The person saying it just doesn't have big enough balls to spit out the real truth behind why it's you.
0) "you never realize what you have until its gone" well duh! When you don't need something, you don't realize you have it until you need it. Or even if you have something (and use it) everyday you may not realize how great it is until its gone. Prime example: toilet paper! Awesome thing to have on every occasion sitting on the pot but you're potentially screwed when its gone!
0) "I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today" well come on, if you have to pretend, why waste the time? There's no real explanation behind this saying aside from just sucking it up telling people they're annoying, obnoxious and you can't effin stand them! They may not like it but you will feel better just on accord of being honest.
0) "she's a nice person once you get to know her" AKA she's a freaking bitch so deal with it.
0) "go to hell or die trying" essentially whoever is saying this wants you to go screw yourself and in a hardcore way. Go to hell...ok that's self explanatory; however, your transportation to get there may be negotiable. 'Die trying' well I suppose for whatever reason you are actively trying to get to hell, perhaps the person telling to you go there hopes you get hit by the bus driving there :)
0) up shits creek (with or without a paddle)....I don't know anyone that wants to be floating in a creek full of shit but to each their own. Again, typically means you're screwed but again it's a creek full of feces so what else would you expect?
0) stick that in your pipe and smoke it: well, don't mind if I do! If I had a pipe and had something to stick in it, I would probably smoke it, what else are you going to do with a full pipe? Especially in colorado now where a pipe stuffing substance is legal. Now, before I get popped form a drug test at work, I would like to say I do not have a pipe, do not smoke anything requiring a pipe nor do i use any other drugs, that being said, bring own the drug test!
0) what do you think of them apples? Quite frankly I think them apples are sweet and taste rather delicious but thank you for being concerned about my take on them apples. Realistically, it's a smart ass way of asking your opinion on something but really, what a gay way of asking! I still think them apples are good...shit, now I want an apple. Great! Now I think them apples suck cuz I ain't gots none!
0) while attempting to do dishes someone says "I'm just going to let them soak" while they pile the dishes in the sink with water. Must I say what it really means? It's a cop out way of saying they are leaving them there until someone else can't stand the sight of them any longer, ends up washing them and the first little bastard gets out of doing dishes. Assholes!
Unfortunately, I have mom duties to run off to take care of so I can't finish my list. I'm sadly disappointed with this list so far but oh well, maybe in my next life I will have more time to do stuff that doesn't involve feeding and bathing kids, changing diapers and of course, doing those mother $@&!?%# dishes! Have I mentioned lately the dishes royally suck donkey balls? Ok, just checking :)
0) the infamous "it's not you, it's me....." Blah blah blah. Of course it's you! The person saying it just doesn't have big enough balls to spit out the real truth behind why it's you.
0) "you never realize what you have until its gone" well duh! When you don't need something, you don't realize you have it until you need it. Or even if you have something (and use it) everyday you may not realize how great it is until its gone. Prime example: toilet paper! Awesome thing to have on every occasion sitting on the pot but you're potentially screwed when its gone!
0) "I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today" well come on, if you have to pretend, why waste the time? There's no real explanation behind this saying aside from just sucking it up telling people they're annoying, obnoxious and you can't effin stand them! They may not like it but you will feel better just on accord of being honest.
0) "she's a nice person once you get to know her" AKA she's a freaking bitch so deal with it.
0) "go to hell or die trying" essentially whoever is saying this wants you to go screw yourself and in a hardcore way. Go to hell...ok that's self explanatory; however, your transportation to get there may be negotiable. 'Die trying' well I suppose for whatever reason you are actively trying to get to hell, perhaps the person telling to you go there hopes you get hit by the bus driving there :)
0) up shits creek (with or without a paddle)....I don't know anyone that wants to be floating in a creek full of shit but to each their own. Again, typically means you're screwed but again it's a creek full of feces so what else would you expect?
0) stick that in your pipe and smoke it: well, don't mind if I do! If I had a pipe and had something to stick in it, I would probably smoke it, what else are you going to do with a full pipe? Especially in colorado now where a pipe stuffing substance is legal. Now, before I get popped form a drug test at work, I would like to say I do not have a pipe, do not smoke anything requiring a pipe nor do i use any other drugs, that being said, bring own the drug test!
0) what do you think of them apples? Quite frankly I think them apples are sweet and taste rather delicious but thank you for being concerned about my take on them apples. Realistically, it's a smart ass way of asking your opinion on something but really, what a gay way of asking! I still think them apples are good...shit, now I want an apple. Great! Now I think them apples suck cuz I ain't gots none!
0) while attempting to do dishes someone says "I'm just going to let them soak" while they pile the dishes in the sink with water. Must I say what it really means? It's a cop out way of saying they are leaving them there until someone else can't stand the sight of them any longer, ends up washing them and the first little bastard gets out of doing dishes. Assholes!
Unfortunately, I have mom duties to run off to take care of so I can't finish my list. I'm sadly disappointed with this list so far but oh well, maybe in my next life I will have more time to do stuff that doesn't involve feeding and bathing kids, changing diapers and of course, doing those mother $@&!?%# dishes! Have I mentioned lately the dishes royally suck donkey balls? Ok, just checking :)
Friday, March 1, 2013
Magic Wand
In a land of magic where everything does itself, that is where I want to belong! Unfortunately, my magic wand has been permanently sent for repairs so everything has to get done without it. Why do I want my wand back? Let me tell you!
* the food would prance its way from the cupboards and refrigerator into the oven and cook itself. Although I do like cooking, it's frickin exhausting and majorly time consuming.
* the dishes from said made food above would walk their happy ass to the sink, take a bath and retreat back into the cabinets. Instead, they pile on the counter until scrubbed and piled on the counter to dry.
* laundry...oh laundry! No need to elaborate on this one but it sure would be nice if it could put itself away. Nothing worse than having to dig through laundry baskets of clean, wrinkled clothes to find clean socks because those damn clothes haven't figured out how to spring themselves up on the hangers.
* now if only a new roll of toilet paper could magically appear on the holder when it's all gone! Not in my house, it's much easier to put the new roll on the shelf that is 6 inches further away from the toilet paper holder. Makes sense, right?
* if only I cared about making the bed! I mean really, no one sees my bed except my husband, myself and the kids and quite frankly, rylan doesn't care if the bed isn't made, Jackson doesn't even know what the bed is and I could seriously care less. But my husband is OCD about the bed being made everyday. I won't waste my wand powers on this shit but its safe to say for the year he will be gone, the bed will never be made!
* I need a magic cure to eliminate the dog crap over taking the backyard. I know they make these nifty little pooper scooper devices but that means someone has to actively go scoop poop. Gross! Hmmm....how to get rid of dog poop?? Ah yes, get rid of dogs that make the poop, problem solved but not going to happen. Magic wand, now!
* recycling day is a happy day for me! Only because its just about the only time when empty boxes, cans and milk containers aren't piled up on the counter, naturally right next to the clean dishes piled up on the counter next to the sink with dirty dishes piled on the counter on the other side of the sink. I think I need a bigger kitchen!
* magic wand, please come take the scale buildup ring out of my toilet! Spending lots of time bent over the toilet with that nasty scrub brush flinging poop particles all up in the air is not my idea of fun on my day off. No matter what cleaning product is used or even home remedy tried, nothing decrusts that scum from the toilet bowl. Not that I spend time staring into the toilet hoping for a pretty white bowl, but sure as hell if I have to hang my head in there to barf (or what used to be the perfect pass out place many moons ago) I do not want to be looking at that scaly stupid ring!
* if only the tv would come with a swift device that could change the channel without having to move. Hmmm, is that a remote control? I guess barely ever holding it would confuse me but damn, that magic wand would be great so I could change the channel while my husband is making me watch some stupid shit like duck dynasty, swamp people or some gay ass British car show.
Now, I've noticed I could use the magic wand for a lot of household things...and why not? Truly, no one likes doing the stuff I've talked about. BUT, just imagine a magic wand that worked outside the house!! It could do all the grocery shopping. It could wash the car. It could take away all the fun madness of Black Friday shopping or waiting to return something to Walmart the day after
Christmas. Awesome!
Of course, there would have to be limits on the wand usage. You couldn't very well make obnoxious coworkers disappear, although that would be amazing! Then again, it would take away all of the amusement of occasionally flipping out on that dumb ass person. It would be great to bust out the wand when someone in front of you refuses to drive the speed limit, no matter how late you are for work. And we can't being wanding our paychecks to make them have a few more zeros in them. After all, that would take away all the stress of government furloughs, losing hours at work, being short staffed and getting our paychecks cut. And if we could add more numbers to our paychecks, we wouldn't need to work so we would have all this extra time to do the chores the wand was intended for in the first place. Wand abuse? Possibly!
I suppose when all is said and done, the bottom line is the repair man blows at his job and is not fixing my magic wand. Maybe he's getting his employment cutbacks now too. I will just have to get used to the fact that I have to grocery shop, cook food, do dishes, clean up dog shit, change the toilet paper rolls, do laundry....and put the damn stuff away, take out the garbage and recycling, scrub toilets, watch dumb shit on tv (only for a few more weeks though) and clean up after the kids. I'll still have to put up with obnoxious coworkers, unless they accidentally fall off a cliff and those assholes
that drive slow in front of me.....well I'll ride your ass, yell curse words at you even though you can't hear me and will probably not get to work any faster but at least I will release some aggression on you and maybe refrain from killing the fore mentioned obnoxious coworker. All this said, still no wand but damn it, I'm not making the stupid bed!!
* the food would prance its way from the cupboards and refrigerator into the oven and cook itself. Although I do like cooking, it's frickin exhausting and majorly time consuming.
* the dishes from said made food above would walk their happy ass to the sink, take a bath and retreat back into the cabinets. Instead, they pile on the counter until scrubbed and piled on the counter to dry.
* laundry...oh laundry! No need to elaborate on this one but it sure would be nice if it could put itself away. Nothing worse than having to dig through laundry baskets of clean, wrinkled clothes to find clean socks because those damn clothes haven't figured out how to spring themselves up on the hangers.
* now if only a new roll of toilet paper could magically appear on the holder when it's all gone! Not in my house, it's much easier to put the new roll on the shelf that is 6 inches further away from the toilet paper holder. Makes sense, right?
* if only I cared about making the bed! I mean really, no one sees my bed except my husband, myself and the kids and quite frankly, rylan doesn't care if the bed isn't made, Jackson doesn't even know what the bed is and I could seriously care less. But my husband is OCD about the bed being made everyday. I won't waste my wand powers on this shit but its safe to say for the year he will be gone, the bed will never be made!
* I need a magic cure to eliminate the dog crap over taking the backyard. I know they make these nifty little pooper scooper devices but that means someone has to actively go scoop poop. Gross! Hmmm....how to get rid of dog poop?? Ah yes, get rid of dogs that make the poop, problem solved but not going to happen. Magic wand, now!
* recycling day is a happy day for me! Only because its just about the only time when empty boxes, cans and milk containers aren't piled up on the counter, naturally right next to the clean dishes piled up on the counter next to the sink with dirty dishes piled on the counter on the other side of the sink. I think I need a bigger kitchen!
* magic wand, please come take the scale buildup ring out of my toilet! Spending lots of time bent over the toilet with that nasty scrub brush flinging poop particles all up in the air is not my idea of fun on my day off. No matter what cleaning product is used or even home remedy tried, nothing decrusts that scum from the toilet bowl. Not that I spend time staring into the toilet hoping for a pretty white bowl, but sure as hell if I have to hang my head in there to barf (or what used to be the perfect pass out place many moons ago) I do not want to be looking at that scaly stupid ring!
* if only the tv would come with a swift device that could change the channel without having to move. Hmmm, is that a remote control? I guess barely ever holding it would confuse me but damn, that magic wand would be great so I could change the channel while my husband is making me watch some stupid shit like duck dynasty, swamp people or some gay ass British car show.
Now, I've noticed I could use the magic wand for a lot of household things...and why not? Truly, no one likes doing the stuff I've talked about. BUT, just imagine a magic wand that worked outside the house!! It could do all the grocery shopping. It could wash the car. It could take away all the fun madness of Black Friday shopping or waiting to return something to Walmart the day after
Christmas. Awesome!
Of course, there would have to be limits on the wand usage. You couldn't very well make obnoxious coworkers disappear, although that would be amazing! Then again, it would take away all of the amusement of occasionally flipping out on that dumb ass person. It would be great to bust out the wand when someone in front of you refuses to drive the speed limit, no matter how late you are for work. And we can't being wanding our paychecks to make them have a few more zeros in them. After all, that would take away all the stress of government furloughs, losing hours at work, being short staffed and getting our paychecks cut. And if we could add more numbers to our paychecks, we wouldn't need to work so we would have all this extra time to do the chores the wand was intended for in the first place. Wand abuse? Possibly!
I suppose when all is said and done, the bottom line is the repair man blows at his job and is not fixing my magic wand. Maybe he's getting his employment cutbacks now too. I will just have to get used to the fact that I have to grocery shop, cook food, do dishes, clean up dog shit, change the toilet paper rolls, do laundry....and put the damn stuff away, take out the garbage and recycling, scrub toilets, watch dumb shit on tv (only for a few more weeks though) and clean up after the kids. I'll still have to put up with obnoxious coworkers, unless they accidentally fall off a cliff and those assholes
that drive slow in front of me.....well I'll ride your ass, yell curse words at you even though you can't hear me and will probably not get to work any faster but at least I will release some aggression on you and maybe refrain from killing the fore mentioned obnoxious coworker. All this said, still no wand but damn it, I'm not making the stupid bed!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Can I Get Some Lube for this???
Today is February 27th and in 2 short days it will be the year anniversary of the roller coaster ride that started my moms demise. I know, I know...not the way to start my typical blogs but oh well, guess I have other things on my mind than common annoyances of Facebook and Walmart! Who knew??
The reason for my rant tonight is I have decided that 95% of lawyers should be strung up by their balls (or other body parts) and hung out to be poked by sharp sticks and maybe have rocks thrown at them. I leave a 5% buffer zone for those lawyers out there (and yes, believe it or not they do exist) that actually help people instead of draining their checkbook! How do I know they exist? Well because I was a naughty child once upon a time and have needed some lawyer help, to my surprise actually helped me out A LOT and didn't butt rape me with their bill and also because I have friends that are lawyers and I can't very well tell them they suck at life :)
When my mom died, I was left to deal with her estate, which was and has been nothing short of a train wreck and was forced to hire a lawyer to handle to probate court process. Ps, have your shit in order before you die cuz this process blows! Anyway, I had met with several lawyers and law offices before I settled on the one I ultimately and now regretfully chose. Why did I choose him? Well, he was a very nice older man with an exuberant amount of probate experience. He is also a certified tax accountant, so bonus on the estate tax filing, right? Unfortunately, the main reason I decided to give him my money was after we discussed my moms estate and accounts, he said it shouldn't cost but about $1500 to close the entire estate, which included all court filings, taxes and extra things to be done since after all, it was me doing everything.
Essentially, all this dude had to do was get the court to appoint me the representative for the estate, get me a federal ID number for accounts and taxes and file the final papers after i sell the house. Let me point out that I even filed her taxes last year because it took me all of 15 seconds to do it. In the last 6 months, I've emailed him 3 times, which took him over 3 weeks to answer each time. Today, I get a bill in the mail for $879 for those communications and for him to file the estate taxes this year. Are you frickin high? Seriously dude, give me some of the drugs you've been taking! $879 to file taxes?.. And to answer 3 emails?
Let me just bend over and take it because if I don't pay him, he won't close the account when I sell the house. I've been telling him since I met him that I was going to sell the house in march, around the 1 year mark of her death. In his last email, he informs me I can't sell it until after he gets with the court to make sure there is no outstanding debt, which puts me at the end of April, right about the same time Joel is leaving for Korea. Perfect timing....cuz selling a house doesn't suck enough let alone when you're a single parent of 2 small kids. Which now makes me wonder how much this "checking with the court" bullshit is going to cost me.
As I stated before, he told me it should cost around $1500 total, clearly a lie considering the recent bill was more than half of that. So far, to date I have paid this prick $5800 to do what? Oh yes, get me to be the estate rep, to get the federal ID number and now file these damn taxes. What the freakin hell? Like I said earlier, needs to be strung up by his balls and poked with sharp sticks....or maybe a cattle prod, those are a fun little zap!
Hopefully not much longer with this dumb shit or I might need anger lawyer to help me out again...preferably one that isn't a money grubbing, lazy fuck that is just asking to get stabbed in a dark alley some night (and that was just a figure of speech, not a threat,)
The reason for my rant tonight is I have decided that 95% of lawyers should be strung up by their balls (or other body parts) and hung out to be poked by sharp sticks and maybe have rocks thrown at them. I leave a 5% buffer zone for those lawyers out there (and yes, believe it or not they do exist) that actually help people instead of draining their checkbook! How do I know they exist? Well because I was a naughty child once upon a time and have needed some lawyer help, to my surprise actually helped me out A LOT and didn't butt rape me with their bill and also because I have friends that are lawyers and I can't very well tell them they suck at life :)
When my mom died, I was left to deal with her estate, which was and has been nothing short of a train wreck and was forced to hire a lawyer to handle to probate court process. Ps, have your shit in order before you die cuz this process blows! Anyway, I had met with several lawyers and law offices before I settled on the one I ultimately and now regretfully chose. Why did I choose him? Well, he was a very nice older man with an exuberant amount of probate experience. He is also a certified tax accountant, so bonus on the estate tax filing, right? Unfortunately, the main reason I decided to give him my money was after we discussed my moms estate and accounts, he said it shouldn't cost but about $1500 to close the entire estate, which included all court filings, taxes and extra things to be done since after all, it was me doing everything.
Essentially, all this dude had to do was get the court to appoint me the representative for the estate, get me a federal ID number for accounts and taxes and file the final papers after i sell the house. Let me point out that I even filed her taxes last year because it took me all of 15 seconds to do it. In the last 6 months, I've emailed him 3 times, which took him over 3 weeks to answer each time. Today, I get a bill in the mail for $879 for those communications and for him to file the estate taxes this year. Are you frickin high? Seriously dude, give me some of the drugs you've been taking! $879 to file taxes?.. And to answer 3 emails?
Let me just bend over and take it because if I don't pay him, he won't close the account when I sell the house. I've been telling him since I met him that I was going to sell the house in march, around the 1 year mark of her death. In his last email, he informs me I can't sell it until after he gets with the court to make sure there is no outstanding debt, which puts me at the end of April, right about the same time Joel is leaving for Korea. Perfect timing....cuz selling a house doesn't suck enough let alone when you're a single parent of 2 small kids. Which now makes me wonder how much this "checking with the court" bullshit is going to cost me.
As I stated before, he told me it should cost around $1500 total, clearly a lie considering the recent bill was more than half of that. So far, to date I have paid this prick $5800 to do what? Oh yes, get me to be the estate rep, to get the federal ID number and now file these damn taxes. What the freakin hell? Like I said earlier, needs to be strung up by his balls and poked with sharp sticks....or maybe a cattle prod, those are a fun little zap!
Hopefully not much longer with this dumb shit or I might need anger lawyer to help me out again...preferably one that isn't a money grubbing, lazy fuck that is just asking to get stabbed in a dark alley some night (and that was just a figure of speech, not a threat,)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Match Made In...Walmart?
It still never ceases to amaze me why after so many bizarre episodes I've had at walmart, I continue to go there! Maybe I truly am a glutton for punishment! So just to spice up my ever so boring, dish doing filled life I ventured to walmart to do some grocery shopping. Since I was already at Babies R Us buying more crap my boys truly don't need...ok, so Jackson really does need the high chair I bought, I figured I would swing by Walmart on my way home. Usually I go to the Walmart closer to our house, it's relatively new and fairly free of the "people of Walmart". As people in Colorado Springs know, there are many Walmarts to choose from, some more on the 'enter at your own risk' end of the spectrum....where as you should come armed with a gas mask and shotgun! Today I chose that Walmart because well, it was on my way home. Crap!
I make my way into the store, grab a cart where only 2.5 wheels move and it constantly turns left on its own. If I didn't know it was the 23rd of February, I would have thought it was welfare payday because this place was packed...and naturally full of weirdos! I bob and weave my way through the crowds, which people that know me real well know me and crowds do not mesh well. I get cart rage very easily, trying to run over the next moron that walks in front of me or just looks at me :)
I get my cart full of groceries and alas, on to the checkout without any episodes of homicidal nature. I'm waiting the checkout, there are a few people ahead of me but I notice the guy in front of me. Slicked back hair, black leather jacket and black boots, more like the biker kind of boots but I doubt this dude had any bike beside a pretty pink Huffy! The thing that first caught my attention was the fact that here he stands in the checkout line with no cart, no basket, no items in hand. Then I notice his bachelor meal of choice laying on the floor in front of him: 2 frozen pizzas and a loaf of bread.
I go back to minding my own business, getting annoyed by everyone's kids running around like little bastards, screaming at the top of their lungs. Out of no where, dude in front of me (I will now refer to him as Slick) busts out laughing. Not little giggle, all out loud laughing. I look around thinking maybe there was a tv around or something....nothing! Ok Slick, what's up? Then it happens....Slick talks to me! Ahhhhhhhh....can't very well run with a gimpy cart full of groceries when you're trapped by 100's of people. Shit! Here's what went down,
Slick: you look really happy to be here
Me: yep
Slick: no really, you look like you're ready to kill someone
Me: there's no place I'd rather be then here
Slick: so I've been thinking that Walmart should have 3 or 4 lanes for just single people so they can mingle while they wait to checkout
Me: um ok
Slick: I see you have a ring on your finger, are you really married or just wearing it to avoid weirdos?
Me: little of both! I'm really married but apparently it doesn't make weirdos avoid me
Slick: hahahahahaha
I am now playing around on my phone, avoiding any eye contact and hoping the cashier hurries the hell up so I can get out of there....of course it wasn't over yet.
Slick: wow you have some pretty good looking food in your cart, maybe I will come home with you and you can cook dinner
Me: (said nothing but probably gave him a serious WTF look)
Finally the cashier scans his 3 crappy items and I hear him say:
Slick: I'm going home with her so she can cook me dinner
Cashier: oh yeah? Do you know her?
Slick: no but she has good food
Again, I'm assuming the look on face was priceless! Slick goes about his business and leaves. Seriously, wtf! I had to make sure he wasn't lurking in the parking lot while I put my groceries in the car....again, wtf! I still can't seem to understand why I continue to go there, no matter how amusing it may be! Only at Walmart, I swear!
I make my way into the store, grab a cart where only 2.5 wheels move and it constantly turns left on its own. If I didn't know it was the 23rd of February, I would have thought it was welfare payday because this place was packed...and naturally full of weirdos! I bob and weave my way through the crowds, which people that know me real well know me and crowds do not mesh well. I get cart rage very easily, trying to run over the next moron that walks in front of me or just looks at me :)
I get my cart full of groceries and alas, on to the checkout without any episodes of homicidal nature. I'm waiting the checkout, there are a few people ahead of me but I notice the guy in front of me. Slicked back hair, black leather jacket and black boots, more like the biker kind of boots but I doubt this dude had any bike beside a pretty pink Huffy! The thing that first caught my attention was the fact that here he stands in the checkout line with no cart, no basket, no items in hand. Then I notice his bachelor meal of choice laying on the floor in front of him: 2 frozen pizzas and a loaf of bread.
I go back to minding my own business, getting annoyed by everyone's kids running around like little bastards, screaming at the top of their lungs. Out of no where, dude in front of me (I will now refer to him as Slick) busts out laughing. Not little giggle, all out loud laughing. I look around thinking maybe there was a tv around or something....nothing! Ok Slick, what's up? Then it happens....Slick talks to me! Ahhhhhhhh....can't very well run with a gimpy cart full of groceries when you're trapped by 100's of people. Shit! Here's what went down,
Slick: you look really happy to be here
Me: yep
Slick: no really, you look like you're ready to kill someone
Me: there's no place I'd rather be then here
Slick: so I've been thinking that Walmart should have 3 or 4 lanes for just single people so they can mingle while they wait to checkout
Me: um ok
Slick: I see you have a ring on your finger, are you really married or just wearing it to avoid weirdos?
Me: little of both! I'm really married but apparently it doesn't make weirdos avoid me
Slick: hahahahahaha
I am now playing around on my phone, avoiding any eye contact and hoping the cashier hurries the hell up so I can get out of there....of course it wasn't over yet.
Slick: wow you have some pretty good looking food in your cart, maybe I will come home with you and you can cook dinner
Me: (said nothing but probably gave him a serious WTF look)
Finally the cashier scans his 3 crappy items and I hear him say:
Slick: I'm going home with her so she can cook me dinner
Cashier: oh yeah? Do you know her?
Slick: no but she has good food
Again, I'm assuming the look on face was priceless! Slick goes about his business and leaves. Seriously, wtf! I had to make sure he wasn't lurking in the parking lot while I put my groceries in the car....again, wtf! I still can't seem to understand why I continue to go there, no matter how amusing it may be! Only at Walmart, I swear!
My Movie Lifestyle
Usually once every few days my husband asks me "have you seen this movie?" and lists off some stupid movie that I would never want to see. Last night, he asked if I've ever seen the Princess Bride, I think that was the name of it. Clearly, I haven't seen it before if I can't remember the name of it. Anyway, it got me thinking! Every time he asks me if I seen a movie my answer is always one of 2 things: no I haven't or I've only seen parts of it.
Why is that? Funny you might ask! I realized the main reasons I've never seen most movies is because I'm always busy doing dishes, cleaning, cooking or would rather be sleeping since sleep isn't something that comes frequently to me these days. Out of those 4 things, of course there is truly only one I would rather be doing more than others. How did you guess, of course it's dishes! Yeah right! Although, no matter what I'm doing, it seems I always have to stop and do dishes in between!
It seems that damn dish fairy keeps missing my house and leaving me to do her dirty work. Wait a second....maybe this whole time I've been the dish fairy? Holy shit, how could no one have told me this totally exciting news? Here this whole time I've been thinking this cute little fairy rides around at night and POOF, the dishes are magically done when in fact, in my house its me having to have dried out, cracked hands all the time from doing so many dishes we could set a table for a small kingdom. Well shit, now it all makes sense.
No wonder I don't have time to watch movies or know stupid useless tv trivia, I'm too busy scrubbing off crusted on food on the forks and scrubbing dried out milk out of bottoms of cups, and I don't even drink milk. What the hell! And then of course there's the baby bottles that come apart in 6 pieces each, really...is that necessary? And sippy cups, oh those damn this are not constructed to be washed and ever be truly clean. God forbid you misplace one for a few hours and don't rinse it out right away! Anyway, apparently I've gotten off track for a second.
I think the next time I'm asked if I've seen a movie, I'm going to pile dishes in front of the tv and ask if anyone has seen my badly written movie script! I think it should be named 'Death by Dawn' or 'Scrub a Dub Mama'
Why is that? Funny you might ask! I realized the main reasons I've never seen most movies is because I'm always busy doing dishes, cleaning, cooking or would rather be sleeping since sleep isn't something that comes frequently to me these days. Out of those 4 things, of course there is truly only one I would rather be doing more than others. How did you guess, of course it's dishes! Yeah right! Although, no matter what I'm doing, it seems I always have to stop and do dishes in between!
It seems that damn dish fairy keeps missing my house and leaving me to do her dirty work. Wait a second....maybe this whole time I've been the dish fairy? Holy shit, how could no one have told me this totally exciting news? Here this whole time I've been thinking this cute little fairy rides around at night and POOF, the dishes are magically done when in fact, in my house its me having to have dried out, cracked hands all the time from doing so many dishes we could set a table for a small kingdom. Well shit, now it all makes sense.
No wonder I don't have time to watch movies or know stupid useless tv trivia, I'm too busy scrubbing off crusted on food on the forks and scrubbing dried out milk out of bottoms of cups, and I don't even drink milk. What the hell! And then of course there's the baby bottles that come apart in 6 pieces each, really...is that necessary? And sippy cups, oh those damn this are not constructed to be washed and ever be truly clean. God forbid you misplace one for a few hours and don't rinse it out right away! Anyway, apparently I've gotten off track for a second.
I think the next time I'm asked if I've seen a movie, I'm going to pile dishes in front of the tv and ask if anyone has seen my badly written movie script! I think it should be named 'Death by Dawn' or 'Scrub a Dub Mama'
Thursday, February 21, 2013
It's been a LONG time
It's been over a year since I've written anything, which is odd considering my blog title is 'daily disturbances' I guess I've failed for the last 367 days or I haven't been disturbed. I'll go with the first option cuz god knows there's enough in the world to piss a person off on a daily basis, especially me!
It's taken me a few days to collaborate ideas for a new blog but I can't seem to narrow it down to just one certain topic so here goes! First off, I work in a OB/GYN clinic and saying we see our share of "special" patients is an understatement. And by special, I mean they should need a license to breed! We see all kinds of stupid on a daily basis but there are certain things about pregnant people that really get on my nerves.
#1) stay off google! Google is not your friend, nor is it a reliable source of information (and neither are your friends unless they are OB/GYN specialists). Just because google says you need to be seen immediately because you're pregnant and stubbed your toe doesn't mean you need to rush into your nearest ER declaring you are dying! You're pregnant, you're not crippled or handicapped and pregnancy doesn't make you stupid, you make yourself stupid which is why you shouldn't have gotten pregnant to begin with!
#2) So you're pregnant, throw up at the thought of food and can't take your prenatal vitamins. Big deal! Again, you're pregnant! D you think 50 years ago people ran to the hospital expecting prestige care because they could only eat crackers between 9-11am? No! They put on their big girl panties and went to work 8+ hours a day, never complaining that "they didn't feel good" boooo hoooo!
#3) The OB/GYN clinic (or any other place) is not a frickin daycare center! Don't bring your unruly little brats into a public place and expect other people to watch your children, make sure they aren't breaking our very expensive equipment or have us yell at them to stop screaming like maniacs because here's a thought 'you're not the only people in this place' and no one wants to listen to their shit! If you have to haul your 4 kids to an appointment, the whole time whining your husband is deploying, maybe you should have thought about that before shacking up again cuz 4 kids are not gonna be able to chill on labor & delivery while you're having your next little demon spawn.
#4) If the whole time you're pregnant you are whining about wanting a drink so bad or wanting to go out to the bar, maybe a kid isn't what you need in your life! You think people are gonna want to babysit your kid so you can go booze it up after that child is born? Priorities people....and if you're thinking about a drink as soon as that kid is born then you need help but I suppose kudos if you didn't drink during your pregnancy, that makes you a little less selfish and stupid!
Ok, enough of the crazy pregnant people rants! Although, I do have plenty more I could rattle off cuz I'm not kidding, we really see all kinds! The last thing that has irritated me lately is something of a completely different subject matter. Just in case you missed the memo, my husband leaves soon for a year, where I will be a single parent of 2 kids, no family around to dump them off on...just them and me! I'm fine with that because I know I can handle it, where as its apparent some people can't handle their spouse/significant other leaving for 5 seconds. God forbid they have to pee, do you follow them in there too? Recently someone made a statement that seriously made me wonder. Their other half was leaving town and their biggest concern was who was going to shovel the driveway if it snowed. Seriously??? That is the biggest issue? Not sure if you realize this but there are thousands of people whose spouse is deployed to a fuckin war zone with no cell phone, no landline phone, limited (if any) Internet connection, getting shot at and having IED's go off all the time and you're concerned about who is shoveling your god damn driveway? Here's a thought, pull your head out of your ass and call a plow company if its truly that big of an inconvenience for you and that is the biggest trouble in your life.
Anyway, that is all for now but be forewarned, there will be plenty more in the near future. No more going on a year long hiatus! Until next time, don't be stupid :)
It's taken me a few days to collaborate ideas for a new blog but I can't seem to narrow it down to just one certain topic so here goes! First off, I work in a OB/GYN clinic and saying we see our share of "special" patients is an understatement. And by special, I mean they should need a license to breed! We see all kinds of stupid on a daily basis but there are certain things about pregnant people that really get on my nerves.
#1) stay off google! Google is not your friend, nor is it a reliable source of information (and neither are your friends unless they are OB/GYN specialists). Just because google says you need to be seen immediately because you're pregnant and stubbed your toe doesn't mean you need to rush into your nearest ER declaring you are dying! You're pregnant, you're not crippled or handicapped and pregnancy doesn't make you stupid, you make yourself stupid which is why you shouldn't have gotten pregnant to begin with!
#2) So you're pregnant, throw up at the thought of food and can't take your prenatal vitamins. Big deal! Again, you're pregnant! D you think 50 years ago people ran to the hospital expecting prestige care because they could only eat crackers between 9-11am? No! They put on their big girl panties and went to work 8+ hours a day, never complaining that "they didn't feel good" boooo hoooo!
#3) The OB/GYN clinic (or any other place) is not a frickin daycare center! Don't bring your unruly little brats into a public place and expect other people to watch your children, make sure they aren't breaking our very expensive equipment or have us yell at them to stop screaming like maniacs because here's a thought 'you're not the only people in this place' and no one wants to listen to their shit! If you have to haul your 4 kids to an appointment, the whole time whining your husband is deploying, maybe you should have thought about that before shacking up again cuz 4 kids are not gonna be able to chill on labor & delivery while you're having your next little demon spawn.
#4) If the whole time you're pregnant you are whining about wanting a drink so bad or wanting to go out to the bar, maybe a kid isn't what you need in your life! You think people are gonna want to babysit your kid so you can go booze it up after that child is born? Priorities people....and if you're thinking about a drink as soon as that kid is born then you need help but I suppose kudos if you didn't drink during your pregnancy, that makes you a little less selfish and stupid!
Ok, enough of the crazy pregnant people rants! Although, I do have plenty more I could rattle off cuz I'm not kidding, we really see all kinds! The last thing that has irritated me lately is something of a completely different subject matter. Just in case you missed the memo, my husband leaves soon for a year, where I will be a single parent of 2 kids, no family around to dump them off on...just them and me! I'm fine with that because I know I can handle it, where as its apparent some people can't handle their spouse/significant other leaving for 5 seconds. God forbid they have to pee, do you follow them in there too? Recently someone made a statement that seriously made me wonder. Their other half was leaving town and their biggest concern was who was going to shovel the driveway if it snowed. Seriously??? That is the biggest issue? Not sure if you realize this but there are thousands of people whose spouse is deployed to a fuckin war zone with no cell phone, no landline phone, limited (if any) Internet connection, getting shot at and having IED's go off all the time and you're concerned about who is shoveling your god damn driveway? Here's a thought, pull your head out of your ass and call a plow company if its truly that big of an inconvenience for you and that is the biggest trouble in your life.
Anyway, that is all for now but be forewarned, there will be plenty more in the near future. No more going on a year long hiatus! Until next time, don't be stupid :)
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